Dear Blog,
This week has been nothing short of interesting. I find out my cousin Mikey died, accidently, by playing with a gun that had a hair-trigger. I knew that Mikey wouldn't hurt himself intentionally, no matter HOW hard shit might have seemed to be, that just not Spilman fashion. So, I get a flight, which Joanna paid for and I'm super thankful! I am flying out of BWI for the first time, Rachael, Jessie and I end up near the Cargo area of the airport, U-Turns rock... I get on the plane, I used mobile ticket which let my cellphone be my ticket, which was kinda cool. I get to Houston, our connection flight, was on a prop jet that I could see the blades and there were 18 people on there. Everyone's bigger in Texas. I'm the oddball of the family. And today, we are getting Mikey's ashes and having dinner with the family. Fried Rice, Chinese Cabbage, and something else. My sister leaves for Korea to pick up the baby tonight. Oh, and I met my little cousin for the first time since he was a baby.
I know I am writing like a robot. None of the flow that I've had before. I am holding up well, I guess I am more open this time around to people being around me, and having support of my family. I am thankful for my boss being so understanding, and my friends to help me out. The people I didnt have to twist their arms when it came to just asking whatever it was that I needed and they didnt hesitate to offer. For my Delta Zeta sisters who all gave me hugs and messages of support. I know I wasnt close to Mikey in the last 10 years but he was still family and to lose someone sucks.
The week isn't over, I still have plenty to tackle.
4.29.2010
4.27.2010
Soul by Matchbox Twenty
Hang out my window and over your head
Stare at your feelings to see where they end
You're waiting here for someone else to break you from the inside
You've been so composed
We all know there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you've got soul
You're so heavy, you're so misunderstood
And I spent all my wishes wishing times were good
When I still could
Wait around here for someone else to take me past the good side
You've been here so long now
We all know there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause darling, you've got so much soul
Darling, you've got so much soul
Well, there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
Then you ever thought it would
But you don't worry, and you don't worry
Cause you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you've got soul
Stare at your feelings to see where they end
You're waiting here for someone else to break you from the inside
You've been so composed
We all know there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you've got soul
You're so heavy, you're so misunderstood
And I spent all my wishes wishing times were good
When I still could
Wait around here for someone else to take me past the good side
You've been here so long now
We all know there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause darling, you've got so much soul
Darling, you've got so much soul
Well, there's always something tearing you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder then you thought
Then you ever thought it would
But you don't worry, and you don't worry
Cause you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause you've got soul
almost too much.
I wont ask what else but inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs 'what else can go wrong?'
4.26.2010
Another Chapter Of My Life: Completed.
"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same."
- Unknown
I guess the beginning is as good as any place to start. I went to Banquet again this year... I probably shouldn't have in all honesty. I went partly because I had a lot of fun the last two years that I've gone and I thought I'd have just as much fun as before, which I did, but I think all of my fun happened earlier in the day, by the time dinner rolled around I was tanked beyond belief and I had had way too much to drink on an empty stomach. I also consumed some Cuervo... I am ending my relationship with him stat. I ended up also telling my ex to die. I dont remember the rest of the conversation. I thought it was a dream but then when I went to talk to him the next day, it wasn't a dream.
Despite everything, I am very thankful that I ever met Gabe. I dont hate him, I only ever said that because I thought it would help me to not care anymore. I'm not a hateful person so it was just silly to think it would help. Something inside me as just given up being angry too. I used to just get pissed off to make myself move on but that doesnt work for me anymore either. So he and I talked Sunday, and hopefully I got it thru to him that he can talk to me, that's all I've ever wanted. I guess the whole seeing him and then him ignoring me was what was giving me mixed signals. I dont think he ever really meant to do that. He's not that kind of guy. In the end, I just didnt want to lose him. And keeping him in my life as my friend would be nice. Of course I'm an optimist and I would hope that maybe sometime down the road that we could try, just try the dating thing again. Maybe after I've gotten my shit together for good and maybe after he sees it, then maybe. I'll probably always love the guy no matter what, but I guess its time for that love to be a friendship kind of love. I can live with that. So, if you're reading this, I hope this makes sense and I hope you understand that I only ever want good things to come from all of this. I do not have any hard feelings and I most certainly only have good memories.
Working and looking for new jobs... that's all I've been doing. I am also giving up drinking until Debo's Wedding. I think it's just better for me if I do... I had one of those, holy shit, I am sips away from becoming an alcoholic, I will not repeat that cycle. And, it's just getting harder to recover and I hate spending a day on the couch...it's rather counterproductive.
4.22.2010
4.18.2010
Let me pause for a moment...
Holy CRAP this weekend was nuts. I mean in a totally good way kind of nuts. I dont even really know where to begin but I guess at the beginning. I am very exhausted. I called off work tonight because I needed to recover. I really hope I get this new job because I could really use a reason to quit BBW. I love it, and my boss has been nothing but wonderful however I do like having my weekends to myself.
I went to Theta Xi Softball, that was nothing short of a blast. I am soooo happy I went, I wasn't totally sure I was gonna go. I mean, I guess I couldn't let the presence of certain individuals ruin my day which it didnt afterall. IT was a great day.
I have no complaints.
I went to Theta Xi Softball, that was nothing short of a blast. I am soooo happy I went, I wasn't totally sure I was gonna go. I mean, I guess I couldn't let the presence of certain individuals ruin my day which it didnt afterall. IT was a great day.
I have no complaints.
4.15.2010
Tax Day!
I dont know why I really care that today's Tax Day. I mean I filled my taxes like three weeks ago, so I'm in the clear. I'm killing time at work... so slow today. I mean I've had like 20 customers in the window since we closed the lobby but it just doesnt feel like we've done much today.
I am applying for a 911 Dispatcher job. I am hoping that my knowing Spanish might get me in to atleast an interview. I think it would be fun to atleast do that for a year and then work up some expierence and then maybe get a job with the Customs office, which is damn near impossible to do. I had a really conversation with Fr. Brian earlier this week which gave me some motivation to find a better paying job, and one that is more or less in my area of knowledge... I've always found myself to be the communicater amongst my friends, so I guess this would only play to my strengths being a dispatcher. We'll see, I am going to drop off my application tomorrow before I go into work at 11. As much as I enjoy the bank, and my boss being kickass, I cannot stay here longer than a year, that is my own personal rule. I mean obviously if I can't find a job, than that's one thing, but I have to look, alot. The beach still feels like an option, one day, maybe... maybe i'll just wait til I have a fiance or husband and move there with him, yeah, sounds like a good plan, right? I thought so.
Theta Xi Alum V. Active game on saturday. I'm hoping it's warmer. I'm so ready for the warm weather to be here for good! I dont like to be pasty either, haha. I shall be pouring beer regardless or what the weather is on saturday but I'd preferably like to look hot, haha. Yeah, I know crazy right? I've turned into a real lady. I really do enjoy make-up and dressing up, and looking like a girl. I'm hot, so why not? yes, okay, that sounded vain, but if you got it, why not rock it? Exactly.
Mmm... therapy went well yesterday, in case you were wondering. I made quite a bit of progress in realizing somethings. As usual, it takes a third person point of view to get me to understand. I dont remember what next time is about... I do know that I dont foresee having to go as long as I did before. I feel like within like 5 or 6 sessions I'll be way over any problems I had before, or atleast will have dealt with anything too painful that I might have been dragging along with me.
Overall, I'm happy with life. I hope you are too! :)
I am applying for a 911 Dispatcher job. I am hoping that my knowing Spanish might get me in to atleast an interview. I think it would be fun to atleast do that for a year and then work up some expierence and then maybe get a job with the Customs office, which is damn near impossible to do. I had a really conversation with Fr. Brian earlier this week which gave me some motivation to find a better paying job, and one that is more or less in my area of knowledge... I've always found myself to be the communicater amongst my friends, so I guess this would only play to my strengths being a dispatcher. We'll see, I am going to drop off my application tomorrow before I go into work at 11. As much as I enjoy the bank, and my boss being kickass, I cannot stay here longer than a year, that is my own personal rule. I mean obviously if I can't find a job, than that's one thing, but I have to look, alot. The beach still feels like an option, one day, maybe... maybe i'll just wait til I have a fiance or husband and move there with him, yeah, sounds like a good plan, right? I thought so.
Theta Xi Alum V. Active game on saturday. I'm hoping it's warmer. I'm so ready for the warm weather to be here for good! I dont like to be pasty either, haha. I shall be pouring beer regardless or what the weather is on saturday but I'd preferably like to look hot, haha. Yeah, I know crazy right? I've turned into a real lady. I really do enjoy make-up and dressing up, and looking like a girl. I'm hot, so why not? yes, okay, that sounded vain, but if you got it, why not rock it? Exactly.
Mmm... therapy went well yesterday, in case you were wondering. I made quite a bit of progress in realizing somethings. As usual, it takes a third person point of view to get me to understand. I dont remember what next time is about... I do know that I dont foresee having to go as long as I did before. I feel like within like 5 or 6 sessions I'll be way over any problems I had before, or atleast will have dealt with anything too painful that I might have been dragging along with me.
Overall, I'm happy with life. I hope you are too! :)
4.12.2010
Karma.
I just want to say I shouldn't rejoice in others hardships or misfortunes but sometimes it just feels so good because you just knew they had it coming! And, that's all I'll say on that subject.
I got my first sunburn of the year. I guess I just didnt judge how hot the sun was? I dont know, either way, it's like a farmers tan, I had my lounge pj boxers on and a lose shirt on, and I was outside, like completely immersed in my book obvious to the UV rays hitting my skin, hopefully though with this weekend, I'll be able to even it out a bit, I will make sure I put on sunscreen before, no one sense in getting more sunburn, tans only, please. :)
I am feeling much better about life this week. I mean I was feeling pretty good last week, but I feel like things are on the up and up. I got my hair done yesterday and I feel like I am ready for summer, haha. I got complemented all day long, and I had, as usual, a few of the old guys hitting on me, and telling me that they couldn't believe I didnt have a boyfriend, I said it's not by choice, and they really were surprised. Its okay, boys are overrated, I'd rather spend time really into one guy then half-ass as relationship with someone, another one of those life lessons I learned (the hard way nonetheless). I am going back to my therapist Wednesday morning, we are discussing my fear of letting go. Oh boy, I think i'm going to stick to going in the afternoon, therapy in the morning just drains me but anyway that's that.
Pay day this week!
I got my first sunburn of the year. I guess I just didnt judge how hot the sun was? I dont know, either way, it's like a farmers tan, I had my lounge pj boxers on and a lose shirt on, and I was outside, like completely immersed in my book obvious to the UV rays hitting my skin, hopefully though with this weekend, I'll be able to even it out a bit, I will make sure I put on sunscreen before, no one sense in getting more sunburn, tans only, please. :)
I am feeling much better about life this week. I mean I was feeling pretty good last week, but I feel like things are on the up and up. I got my hair done yesterday and I feel like I am ready for summer, haha. I got complemented all day long, and I had, as usual, a few of the old guys hitting on me, and telling me that they couldn't believe I didnt have a boyfriend, I said it's not by choice, and they really were surprised. Its okay, boys are overrated, I'd rather spend time really into one guy then half-ass as relationship with someone, another one of those life lessons I learned (the hard way nonetheless). I am going back to my therapist Wednesday morning, we are discussing my fear of letting go. Oh boy, I think i'm going to stick to going in the afternoon, therapy in the morning just drains me but anyway that's that.
Pay day this week!
4.08.2010
It's A Beautiful Day.
It takes two to speak the truth,--one to speak, and another to hear. - Henry David Thoreau
I'm really kinda over all the reminders. The other day a girl had a license that expired on 4-16. My pager number at Panera was 16. The homily Fr. Brian gave for Mass on Easter Sunday was really good. I realized the Feast Day of St. Nicholas is December 6th...which is celebrated in Hungary. I could go on and on about some of the things that happen that keep me from moving on, more or less, but I think the biggest part of the whole thing is that I just dont want to, not yet. Ah, I know I can't control what happens in life, no matter how hard I do try. I can pray or I can choose to ignore whatever happens but in the end, everything happens for a reason.
I am struggling to understand why it is that I am having this withdraw-like symptoms. I guess in the end I just wish to talk to him, and I wish there wasn't any pressure, and I wish I wasn't scared. I mean I just get so nervous that I'm going to say the wrong thing and then I do, and then I'm not myself and I get all flustered. I've never really been like this before. I mean the last time I went through this, I wasn't even myself. I have found a repeating pattern in all of it, I learn. I learn all of the things I did wrong and I try to apply that to whatever future relationship I have. For the first time in my life, I'm totally appalled by the idea of just having a crush on a guy. I know that might not make sense, but it's more like I'm just okay with being single. Now, dont get me wrong, I would like to date my ex again, yeah, and I really wish I would meet him for the first time in a few weeks. Last year, was bad timing, I finally got my shit together. I'm living life everyday the way I'd like to or want to. I guess I'll wake up one day and not think about him, but I really dont want that to happen. If anything I just loved him too much or not enough and at all the wrong times. It's all about timing. I know I was supposed to learn from him and I did. I learned alot. I just wish that I could have my turn to teach him. However in the end, as usual, it's all up to God.
I'm really kinda over all the reminders. The other day a girl had a license that expired on 4-16. My pager number at Panera was 16. The homily Fr. Brian gave for Mass on Easter Sunday was really good. I realized the Feast Day of St. Nicholas is December 6th...which is celebrated in Hungary. I could go on and on about some of the things that happen that keep me from moving on, more or less, but I think the biggest part of the whole thing is that I just dont want to, not yet. Ah, I know I can't control what happens in life, no matter how hard I do try. I can pray or I can choose to ignore whatever happens but in the end, everything happens for a reason.
I am struggling to understand why it is that I am having this withdraw-like symptoms. I guess in the end I just wish to talk to him, and I wish there wasn't any pressure, and I wish I wasn't scared. I mean I just get so nervous that I'm going to say the wrong thing and then I do, and then I'm not myself and I get all flustered. I've never really been like this before. I mean the last time I went through this, I wasn't even myself. I have found a repeating pattern in all of it, I learn. I learn all of the things I did wrong and I try to apply that to whatever future relationship I have. For the first time in my life, I'm totally appalled by the idea of just having a crush on a guy. I know that might not make sense, but it's more like I'm just okay with being single. Now, dont get me wrong, I would like to date my ex again, yeah, and I really wish I would meet him for the first time in a few weeks. Last year, was bad timing, I finally got my shit together. I'm living life everyday the way I'd like to or want to. I guess I'll wake up one day and not think about him, but I really dont want that to happen. If anything I just loved him too much or not enough and at all the wrong times. It's all about timing. I know I was supposed to learn from him and I did. I learned alot. I just wish that I could have my turn to teach him. However in the end, as usual, it's all up to God.
4.07.2010
Hey, Soul Sister!
Hey Hey Hey
Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey Hey Hey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I cant be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey Hey Hey (tonight)
Hey Hey Hey (tonight)
-Train
Your lipstick stains
On the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey Hey Hey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I cant be
I want the world to see you'll be with me
Hey soul sister, hey there mister, mister
On the radio, stereo
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey Hey Hey (tonight)
Hey Hey Hey (tonight)
-Train
Clockwork, it never fails.
I started getting ansty last night. I guess maybe it's because I somehow found a way to see a picture Gabe had left on his wall when I was on my laptop using facebook yesterday morning before work. It was of his dog and she died. I felt bad, I mean I wanted to say I'm sorry about his dog, but again I just had to keep myself from texting him.
I really wanted to text him today while it's been slow at work. I dont know what it is... I'm also a little miffed as to why he's blocked me from seeing his wall on facebook, might as well just delete me in entirely if you're going to block part of it, no sense in keeping me. I just wish I never met the guy because all it ever seems to do is put me in a bad mood when I have time to think about how I dont have him in my life anymore. Whatever..
Can I ask why it is that guys like to be ignored? This doesnt make any sense whatsoever.. So someone answer me that and find me a job at the beach. I hate this town.
I really wanted to text him today while it's been slow at work. I dont know what it is... I'm also a little miffed as to why he's blocked me from seeing his wall on facebook, might as well just delete me in entirely if you're going to block part of it, no sense in keeping me. I just wish I never met the guy because all it ever seems to do is put me in a bad mood when I have time to think about how I dont have him in my life anymore. Whatever..
Can I ask why it is that guys like to be ignored? This doesnt make any sense whatsoever.. So someone answer me that and find me a job at the beach. I hate this town.
4.05.2010
Discipline NOT Desire
Easter weekend was really good. I went to work Saturday morning and then ended up getting lunch at Chipotle with Rachael and we went shopping. I got an Easter dress, which is definitely wearable to work and to the beach, depending on if I dress it up or not. I'm very excited about being able to wear dresses to work. I then watched WVU lose to Duke saturday night, poor WVU. I got to see Katy Applegate! She flew home on a whim for Easter and I saw her both friday night and saturday night. I went to Mass with my mom at St James which was packed, and then I went to Rachael's aunt's for dinner.
I am also going on a trip to, wait for it... Russia. And, Finland and Estonia. Yep. I'm excited. It's next year in March for 12 days. I am going to save all of my vacation time for that. Alright, well next year, if I'm still at the bank, I'll have my vacation time awarded at the beginning of the year and I'll be able to go on said vaca. I'm excited. I'm just happy that I'm finally going to go somewhere else, I was starting to get cabin fever, well on a country wide type of level. I am going to California for a week this summer.. to atleast visit one or two Aunts, my grandma and a few cousins.. I would like to get to the beach...but we'll see.
Anyways, I'm going running right after work, I got my new shoes! And, my supervisor pissed me off at work, not my boss, my supervisor. I caught her talking about me to another employee. Now, it's not that I care that she was, it was WHO she was talking to. She's my supervisor, so really she can't be telling other tellers what she thinks of me, blah blah blah.. it just really bothered me and on any other day I'd have more than likely let it go.
I am also going on a trip to, wait for it... Russia. And, Finland and Estonia. Yep. I'm excited. It's next year in March for 12 days. I am going to save all of my vacation time for that. Alright, well next year, if I'm still at the bank, I'll have my vacation time awarded at the beginning of the year and I'll be able to go on said vaca. I'm excited. I'm just happy that I'm finally going to go somewhere else, I was starting to get cabin fever, well on a country wide type of level. I am going to California for a week this summer.. to atleast visit one or two Aunts, my grandma and a few cousins.. I would like to get to the beach...but we'll see.
Anyways, I'm going running right after work, I got my new shoes! And, my supervisor pissed me off at work, not my boss, my supervisor. I caught her talking about me to another employee. Now, it's not that I care that she was, it was WHO she was talking to. She's my supervisor, so really she can't be telling other tellers what she thinks of me, blah blah blah.. it just really bothered me and on any other day I'd have more than likely let it go.
4.01.2010
God Has a Sense of Humor
So... I start today off with yesterday I went to my therapist's for the first time in over a year. I have proper health insurance now so I can afford to go(such a flippin' relief)! I had a great session, I covered alot, well vented alot. I had to cram a year's worth of events into 45 minutes...tough. It will be easier as I go on a regular basis. I'm going every two weeks, every week would interfere with my work schedule.
So... I dont talk to Gabe, except for the sporadic 'hate' text I might send him, in my frustrations of him just not talking to me because that translates as he just doesnt care, and then i get all bent out of shape which is stupid because I shouldn't care. So.. in the process of recounting all of my events in the past year, I explained about the break up and how Gabe had asked me just to give him space for two weeks. I have yet to do that. I just have this fear that if I dont talk to him, that he wont be there. It's some weird trust thing. Anyway, that's my challenge. I have to not text or anything with/to him for two weeks. I'm fine for a week but I just can never seem to just not talk to him for two weeks straight. Fine, I'll be fine til next wednesday then I'm sure i'll fail... but we'll see. It just takes discipline, blah blah blah. I dont know what I am supposed to get out of being quiet. I think I understand what she was saying, because naturally I wouldnt like it if I had that happen to me, I mean she really made put on the other person's shoes and stand it ... so uncomfortable but isnt that what therapy is for? In the whole mess of this, I saw Gabe right as I was on my way to Martinsburg... OF ALL PEOPLE.. I really was a mess driving the rest of the way. I just couldn't quite understand why it is that I would have to see him. I mean I'm already going to therapy because of him, well sorta, I mean if anything I'm going because I'd just like to not care about him as much as I do, or just to heal this stupid heartbreak, Donna (therapist) says it's normal to have this way, and to still feel this way, that was a sigh of relief, so I'm not crazy for still being torn up over my ex-boyfriend, awesome.
We covered some other things, like life goals. I was not in a place this time last year to have any idea, goal, or make a decision. I just wasnt. I have however come 180 and can now decide, and have decided on a alot of this 'adult' stuff that happens in life. I am taking care of me, I have been taking care of me. Initially I had to take care of myself because I was forced to not because I wanted to. I believed or said it was what I wanted but I didnt really believe that. If anything positive has come out of knowing Chris, (yes, I meant him), it was that I know alot about what I want from life because of the decisions I made based on knowing him. stay with me, I mean I know that between Chris and Gabe, I would choose Gabe. I would choose Gabe because he is the closest I have ever come to finding all the things I like in a guy, in him. I wouldn't have found that though if I hadn't first gotten knocked around by Chris (emotionally speaking duh.) to sum it up "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.".
So.. here's to 13 days left of not lashing out in drunk texts or angry hate texts. Here's to me trying to understand what it is that's in front me. Here's to letting go of any left over pain or fear I may be holding on to. I am so close to loving all of me :)
So... I dont talk to Gabe, except for the sporadic 'hate' text I might send him, in my frustrations of him just not talking to me because that translates as he just doesnt care, and then i get all bent out of shape which is stupid because I shouldn't care. So.. in the process of recounting all of my events in the past year, I explained about the break up and how Gabe had asked me just to give him space for two weeks. I have yet to do that. I just have this fear that if I dont talk to him, that he wont be there. It's some weird trust thing. Anyway, that's my challenge. I have to not text or anything with/to him for two weeks. I'm fine for a week but I just can never seem to just not talk to him for two weeks straight. Fine, I'll be fine til next wednesday then I'm sure i'll fail... but we'll see. It just takes discipline, blah blah blah. I dont know what I am supposed to get out of being quiet. I think I understand what she was saying, because naturally I wouldnt like it if I had that happen to me, I mean she really made put on the other person's shoes and stand it ... so uncomfortable but isnt that what therapy is for? In the whole mess of this, I saw Gabe right as I was on my way to Martinsburg... OF ALL PEOPLE.. I really was a mess driving the rest of the way. I just couldn't quite understand why it is that I would have to see him. I mean I'm already going to therapy because of him, well sorta, I mean if anything I'm going because I'd just like to not care about him as much as I do, or just to heal this stupid heartbreak, Donna (therapist) says it's normal to have this way, and to still feel this way, that was a sigh of relief, so I'm not crazy for still being torn up over my ex-boyfriend, awesome.
We covered some other things, like life goals. I was not in a place this time last year to have any idea, goal, or make a decision. I just wasnt. I have however come 180 and can now decide, and have decided on a alot of this 'adult' stuff that happens in life. I am taking care of me, I have been taking care of me. Initially I had to take care of myself because I was forced to not because I wanted to. I believed or said it was what I wanted but I didnt really believe that. If anything positive has come out of knowing Chris, (yes, I meant him), it was that I know alot about what I want from life because of the decisions I made based on knowing him. stay with me, I mean I know that between Chris and Gabe, I would choose Gabe. I would choose Gabe because he is the closest I have ever come to finding all the things I like in a guy, in him. I wouldn't have found that though if I hadn't first gotten knocked around by Chris (emotionally speaking duh.) to sum it up "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.".
So.. here's to 13 days left of not lashing out in drunk texts or angry hate texts. Here's to me trying to understand what it is that's in front me. Here's to letting go of any left over pain or fear I may be holding on to. I am so close to loving all of me :)
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