GOODBYE 2009.

Hopefully 2010 proves to be way more positive and happy and wonderful that 2009. Here's to getting everything together in life and to getting myself on the track I should be taking and to getting closer to where I should be in general. Here's to me being a better friend, and to being a better employee, a better co worker, a better daughter, and a better sister, aunt, and a better me.

Think Happy Thoughts.

i haven't hated facebook so much until it made me go back to the day i realized how much i loved gabe.

effffffffffmmlll.

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
You play it loud enough it keeps the demons at bay.
--Across the Universe

Post Christmas

I got alot of gift cards for Christmas so I got to go to the stores on Saturday and buy what I needed/wanted. I spent Christmas Eve at Church, it was slammed soooo many people were there then Christmas Morning I went next door and had breakfast, it was very yummy. I took a mid-day nap then I went to Rachael's aunt's for dinner, we had lasagna,meatballs, and salad, yum-o!

Chris came home, I met up with him for some coffee, holy cow he doesnt look the same as when I left him in the airport 8 months ago. It was good. I went to Mass at St. Peters today, first time since Gabe and I split. I felt really empty being there without him. Doing things without him, has been something I've avoided doing the last three months, I mean things that he and I did regularly together. I hate the void I feel. I dont know what else to do but pray and write. SO, i pray and write.

The dog kept me up last night, she didnt want to go to sleep or she woke me up with her stupid shaking and panting, I lose my temper too easily with her, but it's so frustrating. I dont know what else to do.

My busy work schedule starts tomorrow but I'm off Thurs and Friday. I am excited to be moving home Jan, and then eventually back in with Michelle in like Feb/March? I'll be sad to leave College Street but I just think it's time to say goodbye to Shepherd(stown) in general, lots of stuff to leave behind, some including Gabe. I wish I was strong enough to really go out and conquer all the memories he and I made together, but I'm not. I crumble very quickly. I thought I was just being super emotional about this whole him being gone this week but I think I'm just like this in general, I just hide it better.

It's probably time to start to say goodbye, but part of me doesnt want to. I held on for 2 years before so why does 3 months seem too long now? I'll never know, my heart knows something that it's not telling me.

Feliz Navidad, Merry Christmas, Joyeux Noel, etc.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a place to sleep, I have somewhere to go home to, I have food to eat, I have clothes to wear. I have a job to go to, I have money to buy what I need. I am in good health, I have great friends, I have a loving family. I have alot to be thankful for.

Somehow, I just dont feel complete. I really wish I could add "I'm thankful for my boyfriend because he's the best I've ever had", maybe one Christmas I'll get to say that, until then I'll keep wishing on every star and praying all my prayers to God, He'll hear me one day, right?

Pink Korbel, Snow, & Serendipity

got crunk: misss the ex.

My Last Hope: Christmas Miracle.

Yeah, so I've decided that the last thing I can hope for is what ever those "christmas miracles". People make them so they can see those that haven't been home in years, so why can't I ask for one, so Gabe won't break my heart in two?

Dear God, PLEASE... I learned my lesson, I know what I want...I hate life without him, it's just so empty.

SO ME!

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." - Paul Varjak, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

LAST NIGHT SHE SAID...

Everythings gonna be alright... okay well maybe so, but I feel like I'm about to fall to pieces, kinda like i'm just hanging by a thread that could snap at any moment. Why is it that this time of year is perfect for breaking up? I just did the dumbest thing and just went back on facebook and looked at pictures and all the comments, bah, I'm an idiot. Of course I'm going to feel super depressed after that. And, to top it off, he's making me wait for his response... I bet he's not even going to write me. If he does it'll be next week, with some stupid excuse about he just didnt feel like it. I deserved most of the lack of priority he's given me in the last two months but i'm starting to feel like i deserve better than this. Gabe is like the perfect guy and he's allowed to be an asshole to me if need be to prove a point but I got the point. I just want him back. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Dear God, I screwed up, you know this, if I could go back and fix it, I would've done SO much differently. I can't change it, but I can ask for a second chance to prove to him that I really do mean what I say and that I want to make it work. If You could wing a second chance, I wont screw it up like before. I swear. Thanks!

please dont break my heart completely. i can't handle it.

preparing myself for the worst.

"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

FML

Well I found out I was never really getting back together with Gabe, apparently I was just along for a joy ride. After having consumed enough last night, I called him out on it, made me feel better to call him an asshole, he admitted to not being nice and that yeah he had no feelings for me. Ugh, that hurt, alot. I can't even really begin to express my sadness. I just know that I'm absolutely incapable of being loved (by a guy). I guess he wasn't mr. right afterall, so much for this believing in love thing.

I dont know what I'd have to do but I guess at this point i'm not above not doing anything. I told him that he wasn't allowed to tell me any bad news til after the new year, I dont want to deal with it and I dont want to fall out of love again, for the second time this year.

over it. but it hurts.

Tis' the Season

Man, I just spent like two hours trying to make this to do list (see to your right). MASSIVE gotta doits... I am also recovering from last night, I had Irish Tequila... NOT NICE. I will never drink that again. I need some grease and soda in my belly. Tonight is my work party. I can't show up sloshed otherwise I'd continue my drinking binge all day.

Told Gabe what I'd been feeling, pretty sure he's gonna give me the boot. He's fixed my laptop, again, though so I guess that's okay right?

I dont want to find a different guy!!!! GOD, seriously like, I got it, I get it, I'm over this break crap, just give me the guy I'm supposed to MARRRY, yeah I just said that outloud so the world can read it.

I'm a hot mess, I am, but you gotta love me. I just am NOT the girl you pass up once you get me. I figured that out, why can't he? or any other guy I've dated. Sheesh.

I'm ready to be in a solid relationship. OOhh look theres another outloud confession. I want "Mr. Right For Forever"