Una Novena por ti.

Yeah, so... I finally got around to writing a thank you note to Laura for cleaning out my car. I'm really slow at the right things in life sometimes I've decided. She talked me into going to Single and Learning to Love it at church tonight. I'm semi-thrilled actually... I just was looking for a sign to do it I guess. I gave Laura one of my yankee candle car fresheners, I think coconut bay? Anyway, give and ye shall recieve right?

I got a note from Nancy today, telling me that basically I disappointed Grace by being five minutes late to the movies but that she missed me. Funny thing is before I opened the card I thought it was a holy spirit thing filled but it turned out to be a sorry card, in so many words.

I've realized I need to give up being so hard on the people who love me, if it's something I've decided or come to know, it's that love doesnt go away. If it does, then that means it wasn't true to begin with. I know that's touching something on different levels. I didnt need my therapist to tell me this either. I'm starting to realize that how Gabe felt about me was real, maybe he feels for me now, but I know that he does feel for me as a friend, and I know that it's genuine. I know that Rachael is the same way... I guess I just have to learn my own way, like usual.

I started to pray a Novena last night for the first time ever in my life. It's to St. Joseph... you prayer the prayer 9 days in a row. So, hopefully after 9 days something will happen to me that will make sense? I'm a bad Catholic when it comes to this stuff, i dont know what's supposed to happen if it's supposed to happen at the end of the 9 days. So here goes..

hasta pronto.

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that wen't wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

If you only knew
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
You help me live and learn

[Chorus]
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, believe in is you
I still believe in you
Oh, if you only knew

Knock Knock

Does anyone really read this or even care about what I say? haha, I'm just throwing that out there. I would really wonder about what I was writing all the time if I wasn't me. That didnt make sense I'm sure, but I get it.

Work was long, so long and boring.

Starting poking about the requirements for UNCW... I need to take the GMAT or GRE. I guess I should take one or the other, kinda like the SAT or ACT, boo, I hate standardized tests. I always finish first, and then I have to sit and wait for everyone else to finish. I'm so impatient.

Today was the first day that I felt myself be okay with no Gabe... making progress I guess.

six years.

Ewww... today makes six years since my Dad died. Well, I must say this year has been the easiest so far, in terms of being upset or whatever have you.

I'm still a work in progress.

in other news, looking at UNC-Wilmington for Grad school, possibly a degree in Public and International Administration... now that's a mouth full.

I'm going to look at WVU but I seriously doubt that I want to stay in this state for much longer.

I could look at grad school in California, and possibly Texas, however NC is cheap and a good school and far enough away that I would be okay. Oh, and did I mention it's on the beach? Yeah, then my dream of opening my own donut shop could be a reality.

still torn. still a mess. still in love.

starting the new year off right.

yeaah.. I've stuck to my no soda rule so far. I've been eating healthier, atleast no fast food. I am going to get a loan next week to help pay off credit cards and then I am going to register for karate classes again and start goi ng. Essentially I am going to start going to yoga, and hopefully running... atleast on the treadmill anyway. My goal is to be running 5 miles a day by May. I know that's probably a really long time but I think I'll achieve that goal way before then. I hope anyway.

I am still torn up over Gabe. I guess it's just more the fact that I ended up where I didnt want to be, heartbroken and alone, yet again, but I am. I'm still going to hope and pray to God that He knows what He's doing. I hope that Gabe might wake up one day and realize that he was an idiot for not giving me a second chance. Until then though, i just have to focus on me, and what I want, atleast deciding what I want.

On that note, I am back to looking into grad school in North Carolina at Wilmington. I think going to grad school on the beach would be fabulous. I"m so over this area, atleast for a good three years or so, maybe when I finish/graduate I could move back here to wv, but until then I am just burnt out. Everyone is far away and I just wish I could be too. I'd start school ideally in Fall 2011.

So, for now... that's life.

Day Three 2010

progress is good, but hard. I am trying. I'm really trying.

my full-time work week starts tomorrow, yay.

Happy New Year

I spent New Year's Eve with Rachael and Freddie, like last year, but this year was way different. I was still in my funk that I get in when this time of year rolls around. I'm working on getting out of it or atleast spending less time down. Anyway, I got to their house around 1045p, got ready while talking with Freddie, he's kinda like the big brother in my life, he listens, and he gives pretty good life advice.

This year was definitely low-key, atleast drama wise, haha. I really didnt have anything to drink besides Mimossas at Midnight. I then had a few jello shots, 1/2 a beer, and a few sips of champagne, not at all like last year when I was toasted. I had fun watching "A Walk In The Clouds" til 3am. Everyone didnt go to bed til like 530a I think...ugh?

Overall, good stuff. I'm ready for the NEW year. I'm going to be selfish with my emotions and work on me and fix me, and make me a better person. I still love Gabe very much, but I guess maybe in this case "less is more" could be a smart approach. Atleast for now.