Finally getting sugar to make lemonade.

All or Nothing

"All Or Nothing"

When I first saw you standing there
You know it was a little hard not to stare
So nervous when I drove you home
I know being apart is a little hard to bare.

Send some flowers to your work in hopes
That I'd have you in my arms again
We kissed that night before I left
And now that's something
I could never forget

You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
With you I know that
I am good for something
So lets go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

Lets take a chance go far away today
And never look back again
Since I said I loved you in Las Vegas
It's never been the same since then

You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

With you I know
I am good for something
So lets go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

This is it nothing to hide
One more kiss never say goodbye
This is it babe your all mine
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
I know that I am good for something
So lets go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
With you I know that
I am good for something
So lets go give it a try

We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
Babe it's you and I

Oh, I was sorely mistaken.

Had a bad day the other night. I'm getting my period soon, which is part of the reason I've been overly sensitive which I've so kindly had pointed out to me. I'm not oblivious to my own body, thanks. I really hate people to prod or pry. I really hate when I get asked what's wrong and then have reverse psychology thrown at me. I know the games, I've been down the road. No, I dont care what you think...I dont care that you want me to be friends or that you want to get to know me. Just quit trying to analyze me and get inside my head because I dont like it and it's not going to happen.

I'm flipping tired of everything and I'm excited at the same time. I have gotten a really good chance by translating for the magistrate, which I'm going to continue doing. I want to do that full-time essentially so I am going to get as much experience as I can get, and if they want to pay me between 60 and 120 bucks every time I do it, hell yes! I dropped off my contact information to the Charles Town Police Department and they said they'd fax my stuff over to City Hall. Next stop, is the dropping off my info at the Sheriffs Department. I'm hoping I can get some kind of regular interpreting gigs and then I can be free of the bank. I love it but I realized how UNDER PAID I am. I am happy though that I have put in my time and continue to do so with my "slave" job. I love the locale and the area so it's okay. I can deal with it for awhile. I now have goals to work toward.

I just dont know anymore. I just want to say I was so sure but something today just made me think "I dont know...". My heart is so close to being whole but I just can't manage to grab yank take that last piece back. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I haven't heard from Gabe in the last month. Ironically, I've been invited to go to Theta Xi Golf this weekend, which I figured I'd show up and say hi, I wont stay long. I love those guys, and it sucks that now I've become friends with the guys and they want me around. I just dont want Gabe to think I'm around because I want to see him, I dont. I really dont. I know I'm contradicting myself when I say I wish he'd talk to me and then when there's the chance, per say, I dont want to even see him. I know he doesnt care about my life. I dont care what anyone else says. He does not give two shits about my life. He's lied, he's made my look like a pathetic ex girlfriend...and it's beginning to look like he never really cared about me nearly as much as he said he did. I feel like he's just full of shit, and I really really just can't let it go. Because part of me wants to see the good in people, always. I always want to be nice and give someone the benefit of the doubt. I WANT TO BE PROVEN WRONG.

Do I make sense? No, I dont. I know I dont. DO I even care if I do? NO. I dont. I just know that I wish I had never met Gabe and I'm thankful that I did, all at the very same time. I wish I could go back and change time...and have just been friends and have been over my other ex and I just fucking wish he would wake the hell up and see who I really am. And, I am damn well worth a SECOND chance. I will walk away one day and never look back. I have to, but I wont do it until I know that even in my deep heart of love that there is no point in staying around.

I hate you.

1-95

"So lets just pretend and make wishes out of stars..."

Could I really be that bad?

I'm glad I'm so stupid busy for the next month. I'll go nuts if I'm not. Emotionally I think I'm starting to unravel at the seams. I dont need anyone trying to pry me open any more than I am opening up. I'll shut tighter than a clam if that happens.

I saw a picture today that made me laugh and tear up at the same time. I'm just better off if that's the case.

Oooooh, life, when will I understand?

How Times Change

Can't really believe it's been a year already since I walked across the stage. So many things are so different in my life. I wish for alot but mostly I'm just glad that i'm finally happy with the life I have. I just have to keep on keepin on.

I still dream and hope and wish on every shooting star and 11:11. Can't I just get a second chance at SOMETHING, God?

Te extraño mucho...si nomas supieras.

Ahhhhh!

Ready for change. Real Change. Like get the hell out of here kind of change.

Hello, Schuyler Fisk

Hello
it's me again
a whole lot's changed
since i left and
i don't know i guess
i felt like checking in

surprise
you let it ring
well it's your turn to
leave me hanging
i don't care
i know you love it
when you see me call

i wonder who you're loving now
i'm guessing we won't work things out

you know what they say
you can't have it so you want it back
i'm way past that
believe me
if you could be in my life
like you've been on my mind
it'd be so easy

hello
it's me again
it's three days now
that you've been in my dreams
and i don't know, i guess
you've just been on my mind
i don't know, i guess
i think about you all the time

i wonder if she's much like me
i wonder if she's what you need

you know what they say
you can't have it so you want it back
i'm way past that
believe me
if you could be in my life
like you've been on my mind
it'd be so easy
i know i'm to blame
but it kills me that
i made you hate me
like you've erased meand i know what they say
they say you'll be happier
better off without me

i'm sure it's hard to see me
i'm sure you don't believe a word
because you've heard it all before
and we're so far from where we were

(da da da da da dum)

goodbye
i'll let you go
i'll get back to life
and living solo
cause i know i need a few years on my own

you know what they say
you can't have it so you want it back
i'm way past that
believe me
if you could be in my life
like you've been on my mind
it'd be so easy
i know i'm to blame
but it kills me that
i made you hate me
like you've erased me
and i know what they say
they say you'll be happier
better off without me

190

I've written 190 entries. That's not alot considering I've had this thing for like over 2 years? Anyway...

I keep having really weird dreams, that make me feel that they happen and as soon as I wake up I forgot what they were about. I think the last one was about Chris and my cousin Mikey, I can't remember what it was about though, so no asking that.

I am probably going to visit Dad's grave today or tomorrow. He's buried in Sam Houston in San Angelo. This visit has been a good one with family but it's been a helluva ride. Everything that's happened trying to get something for Mikey has just been quite hellish... from what I understand, I get that the wife has control. I just wish family could trump sometimes. Either way, this whole sad experience has got me down here and time off work, which I needed I guess. I'm a workaholic. I have nothing outside of work to really do. I mean excersize and sometimes being social only go so far. I need a hobby. I really might start playing my sax again. I have the reeds, now I just have to dust it off. One day...

I figured out I dont like Orange Patron, YICK. I dont recommend it to anyone either.

I also dont know how fragile I am, I can't tell if I'm just okay? or if it's all the calm before the storm. I wish I knew. I just can't figure it out.