Had a bad day the other night. I'm getting my period soon, which is part of the reason I've been overly sensitive which I've so kindly had pointed out to me. I'm not oblivious to my own body, thanks. I really hate people to prod or pry. I really hate when I get asked what's wrong and then have reverse psychology thrown at me. I know the games, I've been down the road. No, I dont care what you think...I dont care that you want me to be friends or that you want to get to know me. Just quit trying to analyze me and get inside my head because I dont like it and it's not going to happen.
I'm flipping tired of everything and I'm excited at the same time. I have gotten a really good chance by translating for the magistrate, which I'm going to continue doing. I want to do that full-time essentially so I am going to get as much experience as I can get, and if they want to pay me between 60 and 120 bucks every time I do it, hell yes! I dropped off my contact information to the Charles Town Police Department and they said they'd fax my stuff over to City Hall. Next stop, is the dropping off my info at the Sheriffs Department. I'm hoping I can get some kind of regular interpreting gigs and then I can be free of the bank. I love it but I realized how UNDER PAID I am. I am happy though that I have put in my time and continue to do so with my "slave" job. I love the locale and the area so it's okay. I can deal with it for awhile. I now have goals to work toward.
I just dont know anymore. I just want to say I was so sure but something today just made me think "I dont know...". My heart is so close to being whole but I just can't manage to grab yank take that last piece back. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I haven't heard from Gabe in the last month. Ironically, I've been invited to go to Theta Xi Golf this weekend, which I figured I'd show up and say hi, I wont stay long. I love those guys, and it sucks that now I've become friends with the guys and they want me around. I just dont want Gabe to think I'm around because I want to see him, I dont. I really dont. I know I'm contradicting myself when I say I wish he'd talk to me and then when there's the chance, per say, I dont want to even see him. I know he doesnt care about my life. I dont care what anyone else says. He does not give two shits about my life. He's lied, he's made my look like a pathetic ex girlfriend...and it's beginning to look like he never really cared about me nearly as much as he said he did. I feel like he's just full of shit, and I really really just can't let it go. Because part of me wants to see the good in people, always. I always want to be nice and give someone the benefit of the doubt. I WANT TO BE PROVEN WRONG.
Do I make sense? No, I dont. I know I dont. DO I even care if I do? NO. I dont. I just know that I wish I had never met Gabe and I'm thankful that I did, all at the very same time. I wish I could go back and change time...and have just been friends and have been over my other ex and I just fucking wish he would wake the hell up and see who I really am. And, I am damn well worth a SECOND chance. I will walk away one day and never look back. I have to, but I wont do it until I know that even in my deep heart of love that there is no point in staying around.
I hate you.
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