Hmmm...

I had one of those dreams that you're still in when you wake up and you look at your alarm clock, and you're completely out of it. I was mumbling something about not being able to go to sleep because it wasn't allowed when I woke up. I dont know.

Today's weather is rather dreary. I was much enjoying the sunshine. I think that if I could, I'd have buttons in my house that decided it was 80, sunny, and breezy, oh and could make the beach appear outside of my house... yeah, I think that would be pretty rad. I want to live in the countryside or on the beach. I want to live close enough to the city, but I dont want to be in a suburb. I like the small town feeling. I like horses, and I want to drink wine on my deck and watch the sun go down. I would also like to have a Spanish style house which the arches, and the clay shingles, and the large open rooms. I want a big family. I want to teach my kids spanish and some other foriegn language probably French or Mandarin... French I want to learn because I consider that to be fun language, and Mandarin because that's useful. I want to live in London, England, and I want to become a writer. I want to be witty and thoughtful and put everything I know into words on paper but I dont want to be dry like a lot of stuff I read. I'm not dry, I know that for sure. I have a conversationalistic style of writing. It makes it easier on you, the reader, to read my rambling.

I want to have a huge wedding. I have a big family. I want to get married in St. James. I would like to go to Greece, Italy, Austrailia, or the Carribean for my honeymoon though quite frankly if I would be happy visitng anywhere in the world.

I want to go visit the house my great grandfather build completely from parts he ordered from the Sears-Roebuck Catalog in the early 1900's. Ew, how old does that sound?

But, on to a more serious note, I feel that this is due. And, I'm not pointing fingers, I'm simply saying something, so please dont assume this is all about YOU or YOU or YOU. It is not.

I am a caring person. So much so, that when I deviate from that nature, my friends do not know how to respond to it. I am the rock to my friends. I am there, I am loyal, I am always there to support someone when they feel like they cant, but they can, I just make them feel like they're being held up, but all the same I am there. I am a strong person. I always have been and I feel like through everything I been through so far in life, I have become that much stronger.

I got wrapped up in myself this semester. Self-absorbtion is not good for me. at all. I like to help others and when I stop doing that it's like I lose some of my happy go lucky nature. I've realized all of this with the help of Rachael of course. She tends to put it the way I'll accept. I guess she just knows me well enough by now. But, I'll get on the to the other part of my rant.

I had a bad semester. I had a really bad semester. I made some really bad choices, and I was not really all there, so to speak. When I needed help, and it wasn't convienent for eveyrone else to help me or listen to me, it was suddenly Mara isn't being a good friend to me. Here is where I have the issue with always being giving and nice, etc. I do it, and that's my nature. HOWEVER, I have to be selfish for me at some points so I can keep myself in check. I am a stubborn person, I'm about as stubborn as it gets. I always come to the obvious answer regardless if it's what I want or what I tried to avoid, I always end up to where some friends predict I will end up. I'm really semi-disappointed that when I have a bad day, week, or month, or stretch, that I'm left. That i'm the one who gets left behind and I'm not allowed to be pitied. Now, I know I do not do with pity, I dont like to be pitied/babied, and told 'oooh, well hunny, it's okay'... blah blah blah. Whatever I dont like to be coddled, there we go that's the word. And, I dont really coddle my friends either, I'm there, I listen, but I dont coddle.

More recently, I was left with a rather simple decision. ::walk away:: and I did. I dont regret doing so. I am happy for the memories, and I am happy for everything that has happened, and I will be eternally greatful, and I will probably tell my kids stories about the dumb things and random moments. But it made me think twice about the important people in life. They will get mad at you and be okay after a while. The people who care, and who mean will be there when the dust clears. I'm that person, I am there when the dust clears.

So in conclusion to this long winded RANDOMLY thrown together rant. I want to say that I am always here. I might seem busy but if you call me and you tell me you need me I will do whatever it is you need from me. I sometimes forget to ask about what's going on but it doesnt mean I DONT care because I DO. I will be that person who notices when you're off, I will notice when you aren't there, and I will notice when you are. I'm quite the observent one dispite my normal oblivious nature. :)

Off to do class and homework!

St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Sometimes things just happen, and you dont know why, but everything makes sense. As always, every thing happens for a reason.

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

“A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.”

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.”

Dunk Tank

8 times in 5 minutes... Oh my... Phi Kappa Tau, you better love me.

I need to get a tan, I am too white.

Theta Xi<3

Another amazing weekend... Theta Xi boys know what a banquet and a good time is. I love them!! :)

I am ready for this week... it's going to be crazy but good news is I dont have to work this saturday. Bad news is, it's Senior Ceremony... MAN time flies.

I am excited, but nervous, my editor hasn't run all my stories like he said he was going to last week, and I have this week to have them run so I can do my portfolio... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Dunk tank tomorrow, along with class, and work, and paper writing...let the fun begin!!

Something New

I am going to try something new. Explaining everything, in one sitting no less.

I am not moving out.

well that was easy.

Alright, I'll give you an explanation too.

After the last week and a half and not moving in with Sammi like I had orginally planned, having to find other roommates, and then facing the fact that I already dont like my job. I figured that the odds were heavily stacked against me. Tuesday I went to talk with the landlord about my predicament, while I waited for her, I sat down and I said looking at the bright blue sky,"Dad, if you could help undo all the crap I just did to myself, that would be great... I know that I did some stupid impulse thinking but I really learned my lesson and if you could fix it, that would be even better". I got a phone call later on that was from my landloard and she told me she had a girl who was interested in splitting, she was from Shepherd and graduating as well so it would be managable... but I couldn't help but think that it just wasn't all falling together like it should be. I came down to visit some family friends, and I kept playing phone tag with the landlord...finally this morning I get a hold of her, and she gave the best news of all. She had someone to take the whole apartment, and she was letting me out of the lease AND giving me a check back for 185.00.

I want to move out. I just can't afford it, and considering I just got a small loan from my mom to pay off three credit cards, I'm really not trying to get myself right back in to debt. I love my homelife, I dont have to move out, I dont need to move out, I just wanted to because I guess I just wanted to feel like I was a full-grown adult. I guess. I dont know why I'm trying to grow up so fast. Either way, this not moving out thing has definitely lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I wish now that I could find a job doing travel like I want to. Selling dresses and gossiping is not my career goal. I want to move to the beach. I want to visit so many places, and I want to write.

I guess I know some things about what I want but moving out isn't really one of them as much as I thought, when I look back on it. Everything happens for a reason. This just means there's something better out there for me.

Thanks Dad, I owe you!

Final Crunch..

I'm still looking for roommates. I move in quite soon. I'm pretty excited.

I am in gburg tonight til tomorrow afternoon visiting family friends. I'm getting homework done... I swear.

I really wish I had the energy to write more, just not feelin' it so much, maybe later.

More on that...

So everything kinda blew up in my face yesterday. Some of it was my fault, some wasn't. Overall, I have reached the point where I just dont want to be around a lot of people. I'm definitely taking a much needed break after graduation. I have a week vacation in Chicago, which my sister sold her house so who knows if they'll be living in boxes or what, we shall see.

I have to work today 5-9. Hopefully I'll get my first peoples tonight.

I'm having trouble starting/finishing this article on the CATF.

I'm still looking for roommates.

I finish school soon.

!!!

I quit.

AMAZING WEEKEND!

I had to capitalize the title, even thought it wouldn't do this weekend justice...

Friday, after all the craziness, I had finally decide to forget everything, start over, and turn over a new leaf. I finally reached my catalyst, whatever it was, I'm glad!

I am going to the Theta Xi banquet this weekend. I am a date to one of the alum, Gabe. I talked to him alot this weekend, because who wants a date that they dont really get along with/or know? lol. I hung out with him and it went pretty well so I see no problems with being his date this weekend.

I am fully re-energized about life. Good things happen to good people, I think it just takes a little longer than I had really thought it would. I'm moving in a few weeks, I'm graduating in just over three, and I'm starting a new chapter in my life! I have thumbs up from everyone it seems for once, lol. I'm pretty stoked about that.

I'm super excited for this week! Lots of fun to come!!

My Ducks in a Row...

Larry, Curly, and Moe... my new ducks!

Banquet! DZ!

Lisa, Steve, and Me


Grandbig, Big, Little

Six Pack!

New Sisters!

After being initiated!


The after party!!! Pearl Family Love!

The year of the strange continues...

I love Shepherdstown but I hate it. I can not stand the construction going on because it takes up parking spaces. I hate that I dump dollars in change in a meter. WTF! We should have free parking, everyone would be happier...that's just a guess, give and get it! Come on Shepherdstown, get with the times!

I hate technology. My laptop's wireless doesnt work anymore. I tried to email my paper to my professor so it wouldnt be late. FAIL. I tried to connect to the internet via ethernet. "No detection connected". FAIL. I tried to use the school wireless (vain hope). FAIL. I called my psuedo-boss Todd in the station, frantic because I had a paper on my laptop that I couldn't get off, I aksed for a jump drive. PASS! I submit my paper, probably still get late points off but whatever. I submitted it! DONE!

I got all of my crafts in the trunk. I was up til 4 am crafting. I really only was up to put some things together which that reminds me I've got a thing or two to throw together.

Uh... I probably just had the weirdest, craziest, friend request on myspace. WTF is going on!!!? is this friday the 13th: the year version?

I just want to say... I am enjoying the best tea ever, Jasmine and Chai... Mmmmhm.. Ill write more later.

Odd

My life hasn't done a magical 180/360 turnaround in the last 24 hrs but I will say strange-ish things have happened.

I just finished my interview with Ed Herendeen, the guy in charge of the CATF program. Okay, first off that building is freaking awesome. Having been someone who's been involved with performance arts with music and theatre, I'm just like in awe at the moment. Ed showed me the plans for the future of the CATF buildings and I'm pretty impressed. Its definitely a misunderstood story with them. I'm probably going to submit something to the Picket alongside having to submit something for the Chronicle. Anyway, I breifly talked to one of the interns who is from Finland. This place is totally amazing and Shepherd is stupid lucky to have the CATF in its backyard.

Anyway back to the first statement, strange things.

I had a really weird feeling of not exactly dejavu but of belonging mixed in when I walked into that building. I think it was mixed with inspiration. How goofy that sounds right now, I know but I really seriously felt like that's somewhere I'd like to go. I'm currently trying to get of school but after school I'm looking at the bigger picture (I guess) and I'm trying to figure out where to go from there. I have a job at David's Bridal, but that's a job not a career, and definitely not the one I want to retire from. I'm up for learning more. As much as I can't act for shit (it's very true). I do enjoy the technical aspect. I think this interview atleast walking in to the building has inspired me to maybe play to my creative sides, after all, I'm in the process of writing a script, which is no means saying that this is a passion or the passion because we all know where my heart lies...travel. I'm saying that this is something I'm more interested in. I've figured that my love for music, writing, and travel have got to be a backing for something, right?

And then I went to go check the mail for the Radio Station and I didnt have to push the button for the elevator, it was coming down, I thought someone was going to get off and no, no one. I just thought well okay, that's nice, it's like Shepherd just knew I was going to check the mail at the very precise moment. Hmm... must be something in the water.

I have a plethera of things to accomplish today for example: Two articles, one on Radio Station, the on the CATF, crafting for my Little, and writing up a 4 page treatment for my script.

Sometimes I find writing to be difficult because you can't just do it on demand. That's what teachers want from you, writing on demand, the kind of writing I do, isn't a push-button thing like blogging. Although, I guess I contradict the point I just made... eh, whatever.

Either way I think I've figured out some kind of thought/inspiration for what I would like to start filming things on when I get finished with the Travel Channel Academy. WHICH IS IN SIX WEEKS! :)

I Spy

guess where?!

Anything Else?!

I went to the doctor's today for the third time in a month per my mother's request(this time only) because I've been coughing like nuts the last two days when I woke up randomly with a strange and semi-deep cough. LOVELY.

I talked to the doctors and she told me that for right now I dont need to worry much only that if I spike a fever between now and next wednesday that I should call her, and that would also indicate that I have walking pneumonia, all of this is possible because of the Shingles that I picked from South Korea. Yeah, I got answer to where I got it finally. It's still active in my body even if the pain, itching, and bumps have pretty much ceased.

I just want to say that this has by far been the WORST semester of college EVER.

Fortune Cookie

A nice cake is waiting for you.

Backstory

I feel like I'm due for some backstory writing.

I am a bottler. I internalize everything. I dont show anything to be wrong. When I do, it means that I have had my fill of shit. And, I have had my fill of shit.

Writing about it, yet I'm vague, is my way of trying to say I can't handle it, and I wish that someone would ask and that I could have someone listen. I am a stubborn one and I dont ask for help nor do I ask for a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on out right. to most of my friends, I just start crying and eventually they get part of the story, never the whole.

No one in my life knows everything that goes on inside my head. Some people think that's weird, others totally sympathize/understand because they themselves dont confide everything in one single person.

I have a few people that I tell most everything to however that list is shrinking faster than I'd like/want.

I just thought that might help.

So I woke up yesterday with a really super deep cough. The doctor told me to destress, okay, so I tried to destress and what did I get? SICK! It's one thing after another the last 8 or 9 months of my life. I am SO DONE. I hate my life, I'm miserable. I have good things happening yes, but the bad CLEARLY outweighs the good. I have a job and I have a place to live. I have family that's very supportive of me but you know after all of that, what do I have? Nothing good. I have friends who clearly feel the need to dictate how I feel. I've got friends that WANT NOTHING to do with me. I've got alot of resentment, hurt, pain, misery, sadness pent up inside that I want to get rid of but I dont have the time because I have seven classes and I'm trying to make sure I graduate this may.

I am so done with being the one who gets the shit end of the stick. I can't understand how this world works by rewarding those who do bad and wrong others with good things while those of us who sit back bite our tongues and try to do things the 'right' way and atleast have a moral compass get shit on.

I honestly hate my life because of how sad I feel when I wake up and go to bed at night. I cannot shake the sadness, it's overwhemling. And, worst of all, I can't move on. I can't. I have tried. I want to. I want to like there's no tomorrow. I want to be done and I want to not feel so sad. I am so done but for whatever reason being done isn't good enough with God.

I can't take it anymore. Any of it.

WSHC

From the office

My digital camera bit the dust so my means of uploading and updating with pictures everyday has been put on hold I'll try to take pictures with my cellphone and upload but for right now... its going to be hit or miss I think...

Baaahhumbug.

I didnt bother to un-jumble the words... sorry to any readers.

A drop in the ocean,A change in the weather,I was praying that you and me might end up together.It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,But I'm holding you closer than most,'Cause you are my heaven.I don't wanna waste the weekend,If you don't love me, pretendA few more hours, then it's time to go.As my train rolls down the East coast,I wonder how you'll keep warm.It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.Still I can't let you be,Most nights I hardly sleep.Don't take what you don't need from me.A drop in the ocean,A change in the weather,I was praying that you and me might end up together.It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,But I'm holding you closer than most,'Cause you are my heaven.Misplaced trust and old friends,Never counting regrets,By the grace of God, I do not rest at all.New England as the leaves change;The last excuse that I'll claim,I was a boy who loved a woman like a little girl.Still I can't let you be,Most nights I hardly sleep,Don't take what you don't need from me.A drop in the ocean,A change in the weather,I was praying that you and me might end up together.It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,But I'm holding you closer than most,'Cause you are my Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore.Heaven doesn't seem far away.Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore.Heaven doesn't seem far away.A drop in the ocean,A change in the weather,I was praying that you and me might end up together.It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,But I'm holding you closer than most,'Cause you are my heaven.You are my heaven

-Ron Pope, Drop In The Ocean.

Easter

These came with the Basket. :) Orange Lilies are my fave!

Paaulie.

This is Paulie on my feet... on the Paulie covered carpet. haha.


I miss this dog.

The Script

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst

She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st

While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even even no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok

I'm falling to pieces I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason

But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding

Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even even no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces (One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces (Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain

You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains

Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in

Cos I got time while she got freedom

Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you

What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces

(One still in love while the other ones leaving)

I'm falling to pieces

(Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

-Breakeven

"Let us return to reality for a moment..."
"I shall only do so as a tourist"
-A Thousand Clouds

I started my new job at David's Bridal Wednesday afternoon, I really enjoy it. I slept in this morning accidently...oops. I've gotten a few sales mostly I've had patient people and I like that but I know there are some demanding ones. Hopefully they'll hold off.

I'm running pretty much on 'E' these days. I tend to forget to eat til about 8 at night when my stomach is growling at me so loud that I can't ignore it. I'm getting about 5 hours of sleep mostly because when I get home and finally crawl into bed I'm magically not tired anymore, atleast my brain isn't. I think about everything I have to get finished the next day.

I have a roommate for the new apartment. I'll be moving in that first week of may after finals. I'm pretty excited, I broke the news to my mom tonight, she, overall, seemed thrilled which was good. For graduation, she's paying off one of my credit cards. :)

I am going to Easter Dinner next door. Easter doesnt have the same feel to it this year like it has in previous years. I'm looking forward to May 8th and May 16th, and May 17th... all very importnat dates.

I am a very tiny person, underneath the hoodies and jeans, I am a stick. I semi-figured/accepted this when I work at a place that has alot of mirrors in which you see your whole self. It's a little unnerving.

IF I can get my act together and turn my last two articles in, I will have completed my Journalism internship by Friday. That leaves me with umpteen other things to do, it's okay. I have alot of crafting to do this week. Alot of ceremonies coming up this week, and I have alooot of homework to catch up on. I am investing in a new alarm clock asap, my cellphone isn't cutting it anymore.

I can't wait to get out of this place.

the place

Living Room


Kitchen

Yup, the backyard

My First Key

Congrats Baby Turtles!

Big/Little Reveal.

Spring 09 minus Victoria...she came later.







I love my little Victoria!

Relay For Life

Kelsey, Kaitlyn, and Victoria standing outside waiting for the survivor's lap.

The Phi Mu's singing to the suvivors

Luminarias which whoever sang Amazing Grace was absolutely incredible... and powerful.

Where I spend my days...and nights.

Crafting Fever