Yeaaahhhaaahhhhh..
I would write more detail however I do not want a thousand questions so I'll stick to being vague. This has been a outright shit week. I'm ready for a do over next Monday.
Tomorrow is Thursday, THANK GOD!
10.26.2011
10.23.2011
recovery...
can't really think of much to say, only that I am looking forward of going back to work. another let down by another guy, same story as usual. I guess I should just roll with it.
"life is what happens when we're busy making plans"
couldn't have been more dead-on--too bad it shall amount to nothing, like always.
"life is what happens when we're busy making plans"
couldn't have been more dead-on--too bad it shall amount to nothing, like always.
10.17.2011
I feel like writing, again.
Progressss....
Well, scheduled doctor's appointments out the ass. I haven't decided if I should keep running, considering I have not stopped having dull cramps in my legs. I have popped Midol like it's candy... not my style. Home, on the couch, drinking some tea and watching NCIS reruns.
What an ideal Monday.
Well, scheduled doctor's appointments out the ass. I haven't decided if I should keep running, considering I have not stopped having dull cramps in my legs. I have popped Midol like it's candy... not my style. Home, on the couch, drinking some tea and watching NCIS reruns.
What an ideal Monday.
10.16.2011
It's Been A While...
Most of my venting has been happening via Twitter and Facebook... but I thought I would give the ol' blog a visit, for old time's sake.
I always say nothing is new... and for the most part, it's true. I don't like the spotlight on me, that is definitely true. But, I'll take a moment to recap a few things I may have not brought up during my coffee and lunch dates.
I started my new job back in October 2010, soon my health benefits kicked in after a few short weeks, I got my act together, as being an adult requires, and I made a dentist's appointment first of the year...well that went well, then I remember I needed to make an appointment for that physical I couldn't have earlier in the year due to less than stellar health insurance I was getting at the bank and I had a $2,000 deductible which at that point was 1/7th of my salary at the bank, yeah no wonder the rest of this country has health problems, under paid, and over charged...Ahem. I made an appointment for a routine woman appointment... we covered some basics: Insomnia, Anxiety, Depression. We did the standard test. it came back positive for abnormal strain of HPV....faaacckk... are you kidding me? I freaked out, they suggested I follow up with another test... I avoid.
A few months later, around August... I finally reschedule but since I waited long enough, we do routine test again...comes back positive yet again. Great, just great. I am not dealing with this... I'm 25... no, it's not like it's cancer, but it's the kind of thing that would turn into something life-threatening... it makes you think twice. I once again, get the results the same day my mom flies out to Texas after visiting for 2 weeks...so not only am I back to adjusting to life without Mom around, I'm back to internalizing. Mom always made the hard news easier to take or accept. I had put rescheduling on the back burner because I was busy catching up on all the work I hadn't touched since I was off of work on and off in September due to Mom's visit.
Alright, so I started running, in preparation for the 10k I am registered to participate in at the end of October. Well, I went on a run tonight and after 10 minutes in I got the worst cramps in the world, just like I was about to get my period except that was 2 weeks ago. I had to cut my run short because I had not a frickin' clue what was going on. I wasn't sure if I was gonna have to call up one of my FAAT mom's ask them to cart me over to the ER or what. I got home, and it was a challenge to get up the stairs, not something I really want to experience again, so it was enough motivation to make sure I call first thing in the morning and schedule another doctor's appointment. I did some side research to see what the crap it was exactly, and it seems common in women who could possibly have endometriosis. My sister has that, and I was told it's only passed down through the Mother's side, we have different Mom's but there is a total possibility with my kind of luck that this would happen to me as well. If true, my sister Keira would be the only girl in the family to have her own biological kids, Dawne and Bianca, have both adopted.
I don't know what it is, but I like to avoid reality. As, honest, and real as I come off to others...I like to hide. I like to close myself off from the big bad world. I like to pretend that if I don't see it, and I don't feel it. It (whatever it is) can't be really real. I learned what that big bad world was really like at a very young age. My innocence was taken from me when I was probably 6 or 7. I know that it is not an excuse to hide from the world going forward, but it does explain why I do what I do. I will still face this problem or issue head on and I will take what happens and deal with it accordingly. I will move forward and say "okay, well that's done, now what"...and cue the next set of obstacles and challenges. It just doesn't change how I feel internally. I am a walking contradiction except I totally hold myself accountable by what I preach... no wonder I am in therapy again.
On a lighter note: I created a proposal at work and it's been passed on to the higher ups for review. I am now in the hurry up and wait stage. I hope it's approved for the simple fact that it is a necessary course of action. I am just hoping that everyone else views it as that and that I am granted the go ahead.
In short: life has been pretty tolerable. No one close to me has died *knock on wood*, I have a job with a great company. I am looking forward to actually starting to take some language classes hopefully, I've left French for the back burner and I hope to start on Arabic or Mandarin. I had one of those eye opening experiences when I had to translate last week, makes me want to volunteer using my Spanish to help others. My relationship with God has been up and down. I haven't been to church on a regular basis this year. I went when my Mom was here. I went when I flew out back in June to California. I just haven't had the energy to go. I moved closer to the church, about 5 minutes away and I've had less energy to go. I don't claim to understand that logic one bit. My therapist says it's normal for people my age to fall out of the church going routine. I believe it. I feel like maybe when I find a boyfriend, I'll start going again. It's not anything that really had to do with having a boyfriend, I guess maybe there is some kind of regularity or familiarity to having a significant other that makes you want to do things.
I will admit that since I've gone back to therapist on a weekly basis, I have made a shit ton of progress. I am most definitely more understanding of myself. I have shifted perspective in a way that puts myself first without making me feel guilty. I realized a little while ago, that there are people in this world that will not hesitate to say no and to do what is best for them and are not questioned and that there are people in this world that never say no and always show up to whatever is asked of them but if they were to say no, all hell would break loose and people would be madder than hell. I am the latter. I fall into that category. I mostly understand that because I can have the passive nature that just puts up with and deals with whatever is going on so it does not inconvenience others. I have slowly started making myself more of a priority because at the end of the day I have to deal with myself, no one else. I am in charge of my happiness. I have this posted on my desk. I am one of those people who has to be reminded a bazillion times for any progress of it to be accepted. I have to make sure I remind myself... because guess what I can't rely on anyone else. I'm not cynical. I'm just honest. I know that I have to take care of myself because I know my friends have good intentions, they are not going to be the ones who have to live with my decisions every day. They just have to live with the results of the decisions I make.
There have been times where I have been selfish in the last few months, and I have listened to my gut, and my gut was okay with what I did...I take that as a sign that says I am learning to listen to my inner voice and I understand that hey, you are important...when I talk to the girl in the mirror. I'm a work in progress...but I'm on the downhill portion of the course. As far as "love" is concerned...well there isn't any real concern. I get bent out of shape every now and again, people get engaged that I know and I am truly happy for them but in the back of my mind, I'm filled with "when the hell is it gonna be me?" I more or less have to overcome the feeling of being left behind. I know that when it is right, the right guy will waltz into my life or decide to show up...whatever it is. I know that I would rather wait until I know a little bit more about what I want out of life and "risk" getting married at 30 instead of 25, if that meant that I would reduce my likelihood of getting a divorce. I don't plan on it, but it's such a real possibility...people who are married for 30 years get divorced...I don't want to do that. I want to grow up, grow old, and still be with the one I love when I'm 80. I know that I will not really know it's the guy for me unless it feels right. I felt that once before I could have married the guy I was with...and now I have an idea for how it should feel, I'm just hoping that I don't run when that feeling hits me again.
I definitely went on a lot longer than I intended but I hope that it gets you, the reader, up to speed.
I always say nothing is new... and for the most part, it's true. I don't like the spotlight on me, that is definitely true. But, I'll take a moment to recap a few things I may have not brought up during my coffee and lunch dates.
I started my new job back in October 2010, soon my health benefits kicked in after a few short weeks, I got my act together, as being an adult requires, and I made a dentist's appointment first of the year...well that went well, then I remember I needed to make an appointment for that physical I couldn't have earlier in the year due to less than stellar health insurance I was getting at the bank and I had a $2,000 deductible which at that point was 1/7th of my salary at the bank, yeah no wonder the rest of this country has health problems, under paid, and over charged...Ahem. I made an appointment for a routine woman appointment... we covered some basics: Insomnia, Anxiety, Depression. We did the standard test. it came back positive for abnormal strain of HPV....faaacckk... are you kidding me? I freaked out, they suggested I follow up with another test... I avoid.
A few months later, around August... I finally reschedule but since I waited long enough, we do routine test again...comes back positive yet again. Great, just great. I am not dealing with this... I'm 25... no, it's not like it's cancer, but it's the kind of thing that would turn into something life-threatening... it makes you think twice. I once again, get the results the same day my mom flies out to Texas after visiting for 2 weeks...so not only am I back to adjusting to life without Mom around, I'm back to internalizing. Mom always made the hard news easier to take or accept. I had put rescheduling on the back burner because I was busy catching up on all the work I hadn't touched since I was off of work on and off in September due to Mom's visit.
Alright, so I started running, in preparation for the 10k I am registered to participate in at the end of October. Well, I went on a run tonight and after 10 minutes in I got the worst cramps in the world, just like I was about to get my period except that was 2 weeks ago. I had to cut my run short because I had not a frickin' clue what was going on. I wasn't sure if I was gonna have to call up one of my FAAT mom's ask them to cart me over to the ER or what. I got home, and it was a challenge to get up the stairs, not something I really want to experience again, so it was enough motivation to make sure I call first thing in the morning and schedule another doctor's appointment. I did some side research to see what the crap it was exactly, and it seems common in women who could possibly have endometriosis. My sister has that, and I was told it's only passed down through the Mother's side, we have different Mom's but there is a total possibility with my kind of luck that this would happen to me as well. If true, my sister Keira would be the only girl in the family to have her own biological kids, Dawne and Bianca, have both adopted.
I don't know what it is, but I like to avoid reality. As, honest, and real as I come off to others...I like to hide. I like to close myself off from the big bad world. I like to pretend that if I don't see it, and I don't feel it. It (whatever it is) can't be really real. I learned what that big bad world was really like at a very young age. My innocence was taken from me when I was probably 6 or 7. I know that it is not an excuse to hide from the world going forward, but it does explain why I do what I do. I will still face this problem or issue head on and I will take what happens and deal with it accordingly. I will move forward and say "okay, well that's done, now what"...and cue the next set of obstacles and challenges. It just doesn't change how I feel internally. I am a walking contradiction except I totally hold myself accountable by what I preach... no wonder I am in therapy again.
On a lighter note: I created a proposal at work and it's been passed on to the higher ups for review. I am now in the hurry up and wait stage. I hope it's approved for the simple fact that it is a necessary course of action. I am just hoping that everyone else views it as that and that I am granted the go ahead.
In short: life has been pretty tolerable. No one close to me has died *knock on wood*, I have a job with a great company. I am looking forward to actually starting to take some language classes hopefully, I've left French for the back burner and I hope to start on Arabic or Mandarin. I had one of those eye opening experiences when I had to translate last week, makes me want to volunteer using my Spanish to help others. My relationship with God has been up and down. I haven't been to church on a regular basis this year. I went when my Mom was here. I went when I flew out back in June to California. I just haven't had the energy to go. I moved closer to the church, about 5 minutes away and I've had less energy to go. I don't claim to understand that logic one bit. My therapist says it's normal for people my age to fall out of the church going routine. I believe it. I feel like maybe when I find a boyfriend, I'll start going again. It's not anything that really had to do with having a boyfriend, I guess maybe there is some kind of regularity or familiarity to having a significant other that makes you want to do things.
I will admit that since I've gone back to therapist on a weekly basis, I have made a shit ton of progress. I am most definitely more understanding of myself. I have shifted perspective in a way that puts myself first without making me feel guilty. I realized a little while ago, that there are people in this world that will not hesitate to say no and to do what is best for them and are not questioned and that there are people in this world that never say no and always show up to whatever is asked of them but if they were to say no, all hell would break loose and people would be madder than hell. I am the latter. I fall into that category. I mostly understand that because I can have the passive nature that just puts up with and deals with whatever is going on so it does not inconvenience others. I have slowly started making myself more of a priority because at the end of the day I have to deal with myself, no one else. I am in charge of my happiness. I have this posted on my desk. I am one of those people who has to be reminded a bazillion times for any progress of it to be accepted. I have to make sure I remind myself... because guess what I can't rely on anyone else. I'm not cynical. I'm just honest. I know that I have to take care of myself because I know my friends have good intentions, they are not going to be the ones who have to live with my decisions every day. They just have to live with the results of the decisions I make.
There have been times where I have been selfish in the last few months, and I have listened to my gut, and my gut was okay with what I did...I take that as a sign that says I am learning to listen to my inner voice and I understand that hey, you are important...when I talk to the girl in the mirror. I'm a work in progress...but I'm on the downhill portion of the course. As far as "love" is concerned...well there isn't any real concern. I get bent out of shape every now and again, people get engaged that I know and I am truly happy for them but in the back of my mind, I'm filled with "when the hell is it gonna be me?" I more or less have to overcome the feeling of being left behind. I know that when it is right, the right guy will waltz into my life or decide to show up...whatever it is. I know that I would rather wait until I know a little bit more about what I want out of life and "risk" getting married at 30 instead of 25, if that meant that I would reduce my likelihood of getting a divorce. I don't plan on it, but it's such a real possibility...people who are married for 30 years get divorced...I don't want to do that. I want to grow up, grow old, and still be with the one I love when I'm 80. I know that I will not really know it's the guy for me unless it feels right. I felt that once before I could have married the guy I was with...and now I have an idea for how it should feel, I'm just hoping that I don't run when that feeling hits me again.
I definitely went on a lot longer than I intended but I hope that it gets you, the reader, up to speed.
8.17.2011
I will admit to having said bullshit on the phone with Comcast before but I have never ever dropped the F word on the phone to anyone I was calling in about to or for account wise...
but fuck you hormones for letting some spoiled brat getting to you and putting you in a foul mood, and better yet, fuck you life. What's the meaning of all of this sadness and anxiety? And, when the fuck will I be good enough to be liked?
fuck today. I'm done.
but fuck you hormones for letting some spoiled brat getting to you and putting you in a foul mood, and better yet, fuck you life. What's the meaning of all of this sadness and anxiety? And, when the fuck will I be good enough to be liked?
fuck today. I'm done.
6.13.2011
I wish I could make see just for a moment the good in me, understand I wouldn't be my oldself, that I learned from mistakes, and I just wish I could back and pretend you didn't exist. I don't want to feel this way any more. I do not want to know anything about you and i want to believe that I will be happy again, I don't want you to ask about me, I don't want to pass you randomly, because it's the little things that get me, they get me good and so deep that I can never escape. I wish you would just leave, go, get out, and never come back. Just leave me alone.
5.16.2011
5.14.2011
De Ja Fucking Vu
Yep.
I have made peace, truce, friends...with Sammi. Yeah, I know... 2 year ago... not like I thought would really would've happened... since she and I had this massive... falling out. All's well that ends well. Right?
The ex wanted to be friends. I have had some serious issues with this. As, I have never ceased to really care, I've only managed to shove all feelings to the bottom of my heart and mind. All feeling have surfaced, naturally. I pray to God that He'd take all the feelings I have, away. "I wish that I had missed the first time we'd kissed" about sums it up. It's true, if he and I had never kissed, I would never know... it's true ignorance is bliss. I wish I have never met you. I am not prepared to make cutting you out of my life permanent, I know what I want. The tables have turned, and you do not. I wisssssh, on every star and lucky number that you would just leave and never come back... I wish I hadn't seen you. I wish I have never seeeeen you. I hate that I feel with my emotions, I will always care and it's the downfall of me. I hope you know you're really missing out on a good thing.
I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of the marriages, and engagements. I am tired of it. Everyone says "oh, you'll have your turn..." yeah, when I"m 40? great... fuck. I hate this... no one gets it. I'm not worth it and it's rubbed in my face all the time, especially when the fake blonde gets a go at what I want... atleast, I will say, he loved me. He loved me and I shut him out, and I lost him.
Fuck.
I have made peace, truce, friends...with Sammi. Yeah, I know... 2 year ago... not like I thought would really would've happened... since she and I had this massive... falling out. All's well that ends well. Right?
The ex wanted to be friends. I have had some serious issues with this. As, I have never ceased to really care, I've only managed to shove all feelings to the bottom of my heart and mind. All feeling have surfaced, naturally. I pray to God that He'd take all the feelings I have, away. "I wish that I had missed the first time we'd kissed" about sums it up. It's true, if he and I had never kissed, I would never know... it's true ignorance is bliss. I wish I have never met you. I am not prepared to make cutting you out of my life permanent, I know what I want. The tables have turned, and you do not. I wisssssh, on every star and lucky number that you would just leave and never come back... I wish I hadn't seen you. I wish I have never seeeeen you. I hate that I feel with my emotions, I will always care and it's the downfall of me. I hope you know you're really missing out on a good thing.
I am tired of feeling left behind. I am tired of the marriages, and engagements. I am tired of it. Everyone says "oh, you'll have your turn..." yeah, when I"m 40? great... fuck. I hate this... no one gets it. I'm not worth it and it's rubbed in my face all the time, especially when the fake blonde gets a go at what I want... atleast, I will say, he loved me. He loved me and I shut him out, and I lost him.
Fuck.
3.05.2011
WTF Happened?
how the hell did I end up back here... square one, overnight, I started to feel again..feelings that I had buried and put to rest, how the hell did I end up back here? feeling for you, of all people.
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