Hello...

What would you do if I died? Would you really care? Or, would I just fade into the black? Time makes you forget. I would essentially be forgotten by all. I never wanted to leave a heavy, outspoken impression but I often wonder if I would even be talked about when it's my turn.

Who doesn't wonder about what it would like to be gone? My death could inspire, and it could be left indifferent.

I'm only asking.

This, again?

exhausted. misunderstood. anger.

hurt. wondering.

why?

Spot On.

Grenade, Bruno Mars.

Easy come, easy go,
That's just how you live, oh,
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give.
Should've known you was trouble
From the first kiss,
Had your eyes wide open.
Why were they open?

[Bridge]
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, you did.
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

[Chorus]
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

No, no no

[Verse 2]
Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numb,
Tell the devil I said "hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Mad woman, bad woman, that's just what you are,
Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

[Bridge]
Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash,
You tossed it in the trash, yes you did.

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/grenade-lyrics-bruno-mars.html ]

To give me all your love is all I ever asked, 'cause
What you don't understand is

[Chorus]
I'd catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

[Verse 3]
If my body was on fire,
Ooh, you'd watch me burn down in flames.
You said you loved me, you're a liar, 'cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby!
But, darling

[Chorus]
I'd still catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah)
I'd jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah)
Oh, oh, I would go through all of this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain!
Yes, I would die for ya, baby,
But you won't do the same.

[Outro]
No, you won't do the same
You wouldn't do the same
Ooh, you'd never do the same
Ohh, no no no

I should feel.

I should feel. I should care. I should cry.

nothing.

I am back, and just in a night, to being a clam and disconnected.

Welcome to my personal Hell.

Here We Go, Again.

It's like clockwork, it never fails. The dreaded Holiday depression. Every year, around this time, I get depressed because my Dad isn't around. This weekend has been a more emotional one in a long time. I more or less can't avoid it. I do however feel slightly less depressed every year. I am not sure how long it's going to take before I get back to normal. I dont know if I ever will. It started with having to pick up my Dad's cremation certificate on my lunch break Friday, and then I had to go to the DMV to get a new license and I ended up being helped by a lady who knew my dad because her husband worked with him not only in DC but also in California. I came home and cried, and threw up, because that's what I do. Then, today at Mass, I cried because they sang Amazing Grace and conveniently enough there were red roses sitting on the altar... ACK! Thank God Freddie and Rachael were there, I cried to Rach and then had lunch with them. And even better, I dropped the kneeler on my foot. OUCH.

Update

I started my new job monday. So far so good. Lots of reading and learning. It helps that I was in banking.

That's all I have to report.

Happy.

God answers prayers.

I am blessed to be starting a new job in two weeks with APU. I have a new boyfriend, and I am settling in well into my new life.

I am truly thankful and happy. I smile all the time. I laugh. Amazing what happens when you least expect it.

Thanks God.