I have a lot of fun last night. I am going out more often. I still want to move to the beach. I am sure that I am mexican because I am overly emotional especially when having drank wine. I realized alot about my ex boyfriend. He's a crappy friend, and it's not just to me but everyone except for like 2 people. He can't be my friend because he doesnt know how to be someones friend, and all this time he thought I didnt friends because I sucked at being a friend. Bah, way to call the kettle black. Ah well, things happen and I have my 'ah-ha' moments and life goes on.
that it does, life does most certainly go on.
3.28.2010
3.27.2010
I Dont Have Any Catchy Titles
I scheduled an appointment for my therapist, next Wednesday March 31st. I have an eye doctor's appointment Monday April 5th, and I have an appointment with Fr. Brian on April 12th at 530 at St. James. I bagged all my clothes that I am giving to the church on Monday. I cleaned my room, and I paid all my bills, until pay day anyway. I still have to pay my cellphone bill so I can get a new phone next week, Sprint called and told me I can get a new phone, SO touch phone here I come (again). I did my taxes, well Freddie did, but my return was 533.00 and I am going to pay my credit card with that.
Okay, so life seems like its falling into place, not that it wasn't before but now its at least happier, I got my period so I always feel so grouchy and miserable the week before hence the negativity in the previous posts.
I am supposed to update my version of Windows 7 that Gabe installed last year but I have no flipping clue what the hell I am doing. It feels like ever since I let him take care of my computer problems I suddenly became pc illiterate... wtf. I'm smart enough but I dont know I really dont have a clue as to where I'm supposed to get my official upgrade from... I might have to bite the bullet and ask him... ugh.
Anyway no news on moving to the beach or not. I probably wont know til maybe May which is fine because I need to get all my financial ducks in a row still. I'm hoping/praying that after I meet with Fr. that I'll be about to have some kind of solution. I just need some help and since the banks are useless, yes I'm badmouthing my own employment, I felt that church was the last place to ask. I am so ready to be completely together in life. I hate this incomplete feeling I've had. Breaking up an and staying broken up has been a godo thing, even if I have had trouble accepting it. If nothing else I have learned to appreciate being single and I've learned alot about myself that I would have not otherwise done so, had I been in a relationship. Do I wish I could talk to Gabe, yeah, I do. I wish we could have conversations and go to lunch and talk. I just hate the silence, it sucks.
Anyway, it's about time I stop hogging the wi-fi at Panera, well more like get away from the healthcare debate that's going on in front me between two doctors... talking about how people could just choose a cheaper healthcare insurance premium...um, yeah, if they want shitty insurance with no coverage, alright... I digress!
Okay, so life seems like its falling into place, not that it wasn't before but now its at least happier, I got my period so I always feel so grouchy and miserable the week before hence the negativity in the previous posts.
I am supposed to update my version of Windows 7 that Gabe installed last year but I have no flipping clue what the hell I am doing. It feels like ever since I let him take care of my computer problems I suddenly became pc illiterate... wtf. I'm smart enough but I dont know I really dont have a clue as to where I'm supposed to get my official upgrade from... I might have to bite the bullet and ask him... ugh.
Anyway no news on moving to the beach or not. I probably wont know til maybe May which is fine because I need to get all my financial ducks in a row still. I'm hoping/praying that after I meet with Fr. that I'll be about to have some kind of solution. I just need some help and since the banks are useless, yes I'm badmouthing my own employment, I felt that church was the last place to ask. I am so ready to be completely together in life. I hate this incomplete feeling I've had. Breaking up an and staying broken up has been a godo thing, even if I have had trouble accepting it. If nothing else I have learned to appreciate being single and I've learned alot about myself that I would have not otherwise done so, had I been in a relationship. Do I wish I could talk to Gabe, yeah, I do. I wish we could have conversations and go to lunch and talk. I just hate the silence, it sucks.
Anyway, it's about time I stop hogging the wi-fi at Panera, well more like get away from the healthcare debate that's going on in front me between two doctors... talking about how people could just choose a cheaper healthcare insurance premium...um, yeah, if they want shitty insurance with no coverage, alright... I digress!
3.25.2010
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”- maria robinson.
Well... on that note, I suppose I could say that I feel better. I think my hormones have taken over my thought process this past week because I was really negative. I feel better today though. I hung out with Freddie and Rachael and played the game of things which is hilarious. I guess I needed some friend time to lift my spirits. I got to talk to Lea Ann for the first time in months. I much enjoyed that. I went to Craft Auction, oh that wasn't awkward at all... (insert dripping sarcasm). I ignored Victoria and Sammikins. It was really obnoxious and just made me appreciate that I am not friends with Sammi anymore. I'm sad that I dont have a great relationship with my little, if she ever decided hey I want to be friends, I'd totally be there, but I just dont see that ever happening. C'est le vie!
I've been really thinking about moving to the beach with Joanna. I have nothing here to hold me back. I dont think I would stay if anyone asked me to, what for? My life isn't here, atleast I dont feel like it is, not anymore. My mom wants to move to California soon and I feel like I should everything I can to help do that. She deserves it, she's worked so hard her whole life and I feel like by getting myself out of this popsicle stand, that I'd be doing her a favor.
I'm writing this at work and I just saw Bumblebee outside in the parking lot (the camero from Transformers) park behind mine which things like that are perfect reminders of why I should leave. Anything that has to do with my past, I want to leave. I mostly want to just run away. I hate it here because it's just too painful to live thru anymore. Atleast this is another approach I haven't tried before, moving away and all.
on a more positive, touching note... I was on the phone the other night with Katherine, my mini me, who I wish I could see more often, and she pretty much told me how she will always look up to me and always has and that I'm just like the best thing that's ever happened to her. I was driving home, shame on me considering I gave up talking on the phone for Lent, but I almost started to cry. It was something that I definitly welcomed hearing, I mean after feeling like I could never please anyone, here's one person who thinks I've never done anything wrong and tells me I could do no wrong.
I feel like that was my saving grace, atleast for the rest of the week, that and maybe the large lemonade I got from Panera on my lunch break today ( with my gift card!)
So, there's a more positive note.
Well... on that note, I suppose I could say that I feel better. I think my hormones have taken over my thought process this past week because I was really negative. I feel better today though. I hung out with Freddie and Rachael and played the game of things which is hilarious. I guess I needed some friend time to lift my spirits. I got to talk to Lea Ann for the first time in months. I much enjoyed that. I went to Craft Auction, oh that wasn't awkward at all... (insert dripping sarcasm). I ignored Victoria and Sammikins. It was really obnoxious and just made me appreciate that I am not friends with Sammi anymore. I'm sad that I dont have a great relationship with my little, if she ever decided hey I want to be friends, I'd totally be there, but I just dont see that ever happening. C'est le vie!
I've been really thinking about moving to the beach with Joanna. I have nothing here to hold me back. I dont think I would stay if anyone asked me to, what for? My life isn't here, atleast I dont feel like it is, not anymore. My mom wants to move to California soon and I feel like I should everything I can to help do that. She deserves it, she's worked so hard her whole life and I feel like by getting myself out of this popsicle stand, that I'd be doing her a favor.
I'm writing this at work and I just saw Bumblebee outside in the parking lot (the camero from Transformers) park behind mine which things like that are perfect reminders of why I should leave. Anything that has to do with my past, I want to leave. I mostly want to just run away. I hate it here because it's just too painful to live thru anymore. Atleast this is another approach I haven't tried before, moving away and all.
on a more positive, touching note... I was on the phone the other night with Katherine, my mini me, who I wish I could see more often, and she pretty much told me how she will always look up to me and always has and that I'm just like the best thing that's ever happened to her. I was driving home, shame on me considering I gave up talking on the phone for Lent, but I almost started to cry. It was something that I definitly welcomed hearing, I mean after feeling like I could never please anyone, here's one person who thinks I've never done anything wrong and tells me I could do no wrong.
I feel like that was my saving grace, atleast for the rest of the week, that and maybe the large lemonade I got from Panera on my lunch break today ( with my gift card!)
So, there's a more positive note.
3.23.2010
Nothing is ever enough, is it?
Today is a bad day. I had a bad night. I took it out on someone and then I had horrible dreams all night long. Today, the weather is fitting. I feel cold and crappy.
If I could do anything to change how I feel I would. I would give up my life, the way it is, and I would totally just say to hell with everything.
I wish, and have wished on so many levels, that I could be heard. I have not succeeded, instead I have failed.
I wish I had never met my exboyfriend, for the simple reason, that I do not want to hurt anymore. I have tried every single stinking thing possible to forget him, I've tried to be mad at him, so I could just move on. I think that trying so hard is what's the problem now. Although, I can make it through the day without so much as sparing one second of thought about him, it's the very end of the day, that gets me. It's laying in my bed, praying to God, that gets me. It's the fact that at the end of the day, I am left to myself, to my mind, to think. Thinking is really the devil. I hate thinking.
I couldn't be mad at him even when he admitted to being shallow. Now, really, what is wrong with me? I mean... I was the idiot who thought her previous ex was the right guy for her, when he clearly wasnt, that's something to be mad about. Nope, I couldn't be any less mad. The only thing I am mad, and it's more frustration, is that he won't even give me a second chance, it's not even that, he doesnt even care what's going on in my life, last time I checked, to be friends, unless of course, it means what I know it means, means to ask how you're doing once in a while. The other "lets just be friends" is really just a blow off, because he thought that it was a mutual decision, no, this was never a mutual decision, I just needed sometime to get my head straight! I've head PLENTY OF TIME to get my head straight... five and a half months have gone by and everyday, I know more and more, what it is that I want from life, and part of that is to have him there. I was an idiot, because I threw away a perfectly good person... Rachael says that if he loved me as much as he said he did, he would've taken me back when I realized how much of an idiot I was being, but because he hasn't, that he never loved me as much as he said he did. I dont know what to believe all I know is that I feel as if things would be so totally different, in a good way, if I could just get him to listen to me for about five minutes.
it's pointless though, because no matter how hard I try, or what I do, it's all up to him in the end. How that's fair, is beyond me, but in the end, I guess I'll end up where I'm supposed to.
le sigh.
If I could do anything to change how I feel I would. I would give up my life, the way it is, and I would totally just say to hell with everything.
I wish, and have wished on so many levels, that I could be heard. I have not succeeded, instead I have failed.
I wish I had never met my exboyfriend, for the simple reason, that I do not want to hurt anymore. I have tried every single stinking thing possible to forget him, I've tried to be mad at him, so I could just move on. I think that trying so hard is what's the problem now. Although, I can make it through the day without so much as sparing one second of thought about him, it's the very end of the day, that gets me. It's laying in my bed, praying to God, that gets me. It's the fact that at the end of the day, I am left to myself, to my mind, to think. Thinking is really the devil. I hate thinking.
I couldn't be mad at him even when he admitted to being shallow. Now, really, what is wrong with me? I mean... I was the idiot who thought her previous ex was the right guy for her, when he clearly wasnt, that's something to be mad about. Nope, I couldn't be any less mad. The only thing I am mad, and it's more frustration, is that he won't even give me a second chance, it's not even that, he doesnt even care what's going on in my life, last time I checked, to be friends, unless of course, it means what I know it means, means to ask how you're doing once in a while. The other "lets just be friends" is really just a blow off, because he thought that it was a mutual decision, no, this was never a mutual decision, I just needed sometime to get my head straight! I've head PLENTY OF TIME to get my head straight... five and a half months have gone by and everyday, I know more and more, what it is that I want from life, and part of that is to have him there. I was an idiot, because I threw away a perfectly good person... Rachael says that if he loved me as much as he said he did, he would've taken me back when I realized how much of an idiot I was being, but because he hasn't, that he never loved me as much as he said he did. I dont know what to believe all I know is that I feel as if things would be so totally different, in a good way, if I could just get him to listen to me for about five minutes.
it's pointless though, because no matter how hard I try, or what I do, it's all up to him in the end. How that's fair, is beyond me, but in the end, I guess I'll end up where I'm supposed to.
le sigh.
3.22.2010
Spring is HERE!
Spring has sprung! haha, flowers are blooming and the sun is shining and i'm starting to sweat in my car when I drive places, again... haha, gross I know. I went skiing this past weekend and I had a blast. I got schooled on life, per say, by an 8 and 11 year old.... ahh, such is life. I dubbed Clare my personal motivation for the day, she said I could do it, and I did it...whatever 'it' was anyway. I wish i had learned how to ski when I was a little kid, this is something I am definitely going to do with my kids.
it's 530 and I'm at work staring out the window... I love it. Although, I'd much rather be outside, atleast being able to see the sun is good.
on to other things, I think teaching is indeed in my future, atleast... going back to school to get a masters in education is anyway. I think, i'm supposed to be a teacher, but I ignored all the facts or signs. I mean, everyone, and I mean everyone thinks I'm going to be a Spanish teacher... I think of high school kids that are brats when they say this so of course i'm turned off to the idea of teaching, I could however teach little kids Spanish, or science, haha, oh the irony if I were to become a science teacher!?
Anyway, I started poking around grad school requirements for WVU and it seems that I may have some hope afterall. I needed a 2.75 but a 2.50 will get me a provisional acceptance... or something like that. Alas, I am going to give in to a cheap but good educational instituion... to eventually have gone to school for free, I mean if I chose to be a teacher here, I get student loans forgiven..woohoo.
I'm so out of shape, its getting slightly better...ever so slowly anyway. I want to be in shape like asap and it's not working. I know it takes time, but I just dont have the patience for it to take timmmeee...
I got to talk to jessi for the first time in months via gmail chat...we got new computers at work, and I'm taking grace shopping tonight.
life is good, well, life is better anyway...life a year ago from today was quite possibly the most miserable it had been for me. I'm glad, and quite proud to say that that chapter of my life is sealed shut with super glue. As long as I dont get Shingles again, we'll be good, although, I could totally dig the painkillers because I was in such a good mood all the time because of them :)
stay positive, keep positive.
it's 530 and I'm at work staring out the window... I love it. Although, I'd much rather be outside, atleast being able to see the sun is good.
on to other things, I think teaching is indeed in my future, atleast... going back to school to get a masters in education is anyway. I think, i'm supposed to be a teacher, but I ignored all the facts or signs. I mean, everyone, and I mean everyone thinks I'm going to be a Spanish teacher... I think of high school kids that are brats when they say this so of course i'm turned off to the idea of teaching, I could however teach little kids Spanish, or science, haha, oh the irony if I were to become a science teacher!?
Anyway, I started poking around grad school requirements for WVU and it seems that I may have some hope afterall. I needed a 2.75 but a 2.50 will get me a provisional acceptance... or something like that. Alas, I am going to give in to a cheap but good educational instituion... to eventually have gone to school for free, I mean if I chose to be a teacher here, I get student loans forgiven..woohoo.
I'm so out of shape, its getting slightly better...ever so slowly anyway. I want to be in shape like asap and it's not working. I know it takes time, but I just dont have the patience for it to take timmmeee...
I got to talk to jessi for the first time in months via gmail chat...we got new computers at work, and I'm taking grace shopping tonight.
life is good, well, life is better anyway...life a year ago from today was quite possibly the most miserable it had been for me. I'm glad, and quite proud to say that that chapter of my life is sealed shut with super glue. As long as I dont get Shingles again, we'll be good, although, I could totally dig the painkillers because I was in such a good mood all the time because of them :)
stay positive, keep positive.
3.15.2010
Its the Mondays...and Tuesdays...
Warning: I am going to be completely negative in this post, so if you're not in the mood for that, then dont read on.
I absolutely hate that I haven't gotten a job at US Customs yet, it seems impossible.
I really hate the fact that I feel like I'm only ever taking 2 steps back, never any forward.
I hate that I am too scared to really move anywhere.
I hate that I still cry at night.
I hate that I have pushed away alot of people.
I hate that I feel I have disappointed so many.
I want a new cellphone because my blackberry sucks but I can't get a new phone til June.... JUNE... that seems soo far away... even though it's not.
I hate that I can't be outside during the afternoon hours, that I have to be a real working adult, and I have to sacrifice any kind of day light there is... the real world sucks.
I hate that I am nowhere closer to being over everything than I was six months ago, pathetic much? yessir.
I hate that I take my temper out on those close to me. That isn't fair.
I feel like God has me on mute.
I hate that I am so sickeningly out of shape. I may only weight only 120 but I feel like an elephant. I am increasing my physical activity by 200% but I'm just impatient.
I hate that my brakes on my car squeak super loud when I back up. I try to avoid reversing as much as possible.
I have a lot to be thankful, and most days I am, but man oh man does it feel good to rant, if nothing else, to a blog on the internet.
I absolutely hate that I haven't gotten a job at US Customs yet, it seems impossible.
I really hate the fact that I feel like I'm only ever taking 2 steps back, never any forward.
I hate that I am too scared to really move anywhere.
I hate that I still cry at night.
I hate that I have pushed away alot of people.
I hate that I feel I have disappointed so many.
I want a new cellphone because my blackberry sucks but I can't get a new phone til June.... JUNE... that seems soo far away... even though it's not.
I hate that I can't be outside during the afternoon hours, that I have to be a real working adult, and I have to sacrifice any kind of day light there is... the real world sucks.
I hate that I am nowhere closer to being over everything than I was six months ago, pathetic much? yessir.
I hate that I take my temper out on those close to me. That isn't fair.
I feel like God has me on mute.
I hate that I am so sickeningly out of shape. I may only weight only 120 but I feel like an elephant. I am increasing my physical activity by 200% but I'm just impatient.
I hate that my brakes on my car squeak super loud when I back up. I try to avoid reversing as much as possible.
I have a lot to be thankful, and most days I am, but man oh man does it feel good to rant, if nothing else, to a blog on the internet.
3.09.2010
Just Another Tuesday
I got a notice that I had a certified large envelope from US Customs waiting for me at the Post Office... turned out to be nothing but them informing me that I needed to FAX my transcripts instead of MAIL them to the hiring office... I will never understand all of the unnecessary steps that have to be taken. Anyway, I'm still applying and waiting so until then...
I am not going to banquet for DZ anymore, I dont think... change of plans apparently. Somethings gone afoot, haha, yes I said it. I think the word is 'amiss' but nevertheless I get what you were trying to imply.
Instead, I will be dogsitting and attending the Theta Xi alumni softball game. I've never been to it before, not that I really had a reason too in the past. I've been asked to serve beer. Yes, how fun will that be? Actually it'll be a blast because as always all the guys are great to be around.
full-time officially at the bank! I am going back to Karate finally, got to get in shape! I have no excuse to miss, I work like four blocks away, perfect, the weather is getting better, and now I'll have motivation to go. Now, like I have listed in my to-do list, getting running shoes is the next challenge. I want, actually, NEED to get new ones, I've had mine for like six years... they've lost all support. I am going to need them for Frisbee, my new found motivation to go running, and for just the sake of having new ones anyway!
SO here's to the warmer weather, and to spring, because it's always fun of new beginnings and fresh starts!
I am not going to banquet for DZ anymore, I dont think... change of plans apparently. Somethings gone afoot, haha, yes I said it. I think the word is 'amiss' but nevertheless I get what you were trying to imply.
Instead, I will be dogsitting and attending the Theta Xi alumni softball game. I've never been to it before, not that I really had a reason too in the past. I've been asked to serve beer. Yes, how fun will that be? Actually it'll be a blast because as always all the guys are great to be around.
full-time officially at the bank! I am going back to Karate finally, got to get in shape! I have no excuse to miss, I work like four blocks away, perfect, the weather is getting better, and now I'll have motivation to go. Now, like I have listed in my to-do list, getting running shoes is the next challenge. I want, actually, NEED to get new ones, I've had mine for like six years... they've lost all support. I am going to need them for Frisbee, my new found motivation to go running, and for just the sake of having new ones anyway!
SO here's to the warmer weather, and to spring, because it's always fun of new beginnings and fresh starts!
3.04.2010
Another Ordinary Day
I haven't written in a while, blog. I'm sorry. I haven't accomplished anything too terribly noteworthy so don't feel too out of the loop.
I've been ousted from the Radio Station... the wonderful and great Sam Brown has managed to muscle me out... I dont know what that's supposed to do to me except give me less of a work load, in that case I thank you, and I feel like quoting Dumbledore is appropriate "I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me... Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.". I'll get off my soapbox, but before I do... I hope you feel great about yourself... You haven't even finished college yet, le sigh.
Anyway... I am so glad I went to CareerFest yesterday at Shepherd. I spoke with the Immigration and Customs representative for about 30 minutes, which seems to be a promising thing. I also stopped by the FBI and Park Service table so, maybe, just maybe I can somehow wiggle my way into the Gov't and then I can end up where I'd like to be. The idea of Special Agent would be awesome, just the way the guy was talking totally seemed like something I've wanted to do/could do. We'll see, it's wherever God takes me.
Speaking of God, I've been going to Mass twice a week since Lent started, minus this wednesday I was at dinner with Rachael, Freddie, and Gabe... I could've really used some Jesus last night but overall it's been good. So much good had come from the last month of really praying. Prayer does really make all the difference. I'm alot better about this whole Gabe stuff, or lack thereof. I am more at peace, but I am still a mess deep down inside. I've told myself that it's what God wants above all else but the element of freewill has it's ups and downs. I think in the end that I just wish to have a second chance, it doesnt have to be right now, I just think that I'd like to try it again down the road, mostly because I just want to be able to show him my good side? But, again, it's in God's hands. All I can ask for is that we be friends.
I'm going to banquet in April, Rob, is going to be my "safe" date, I guess you can't get any safer than a cop being your date, haha. He's got a gf but he's still one of my guy friends. I am kind of dreading the month of April, I'll get over it though. What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.
I'm glad I have inspired many lives, I'm touched that what I write has had some kind of effect on one person's life. I hope I can continue to inspire.
God is Love - John 4:8
I've been ousted from the Radio Station... the wonderful and great Sam Brown has managed to muscle me out... I dont know what that's supposed to do to me except give me less of a work load, in that case I thank you, and I feel like quoting Dumbledore is appropriate "I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me... Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.". I'll get off my soapbox, but before I do... I hope you feel great about yourself... You haven't even finished college yet, le sigh.
Anyway... I am so glad I went to CareerFest yesterday at Shepherd. I spoke with the Immigration and Customs representative for about 30 minutes, which seems to be a promising thing. I also stopped by the FBI and Park Service table so, maybe, just maybe I can somehow wiggle my way into the Gov't and then I can end up where I'd like to be. The idea of Special Agent would be awesome, just the way the guy was talking totally seemed like something I've wanted to do/could do. We'll see, it's wherever God takes me.
Speaking of God, I've been going to Mass twice a week since Lent started, minus this wednesday I was at dinner with Rachael, Freddie, and Gabe... I could've really used some Jesus last night but overall it's been good. So much good had come from the last month of really praying. Prayer does really make all the difference. I'm alot better about this whole Gabe stuff, or lack thereof. I am more at peace, but I am still a mess deep down inside. I've told myself that it's what God wants above all else but the element of freewill has it's ups and downs. I think in the end that I just wish to have a second chance, it doesnt have to be right now, I just think that I'd like to try it again down the road, mostly because I just want to be able to show him my good side? But, again, it's in God's hands. All I can ask for is that we be friends.
I'm going to banquet in April, Rob, is going to be my "safe" date, I guess you can't get any safer than a cop being your date, haha. He's got a gf but he's still one of my guy friends. I am kind of dreading the month of April, I'll get over it though. What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.
I'm glad I have inspired many lives, I'm touched that what I write has had some kind of effect on one person's life. I hope I can continue to inspire.
God is Love - John 4:8
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