Today is a bad day. I had a bad night. I took it out on someone and then I had horrible dreams all night long. Today, the weather is fitting. I feel cold and crappy.
If I could do anything to change how I feel I would. I would give up my life, the way it is, and I would totally just say to hell with everything.
I wish, and have wished on so many levels, that I could be heard. I have not succeeded, instead I have failed.
I wish I had never met my exboyfriend, for the simple reason, that I do not want to hurt anymore. I have tried every single stinking thing possible to forget him, I've tried to be mad at him, so I could just move on. I think that trying so hard is what's the problem now. Although, I can make it through the day without so much as sparing one second of thought about him, it's the very end of the day, that gets me. It's laying in my bed, praying to God, that gets me. It's the fact that at the end of the day, I am left to myself, to my mind, to think. Thinking is really the devil. I hate thinking.
I couldn't be mad at him even when he admitted to being shallow. Now, really, what is wrong with me? I mean... I was the idiot who thought her previous ex was the right guy for her, when he clearly wasnt, that's something to be mad about. Nope, I couldn't be any less mad. The only thing I am mad, and it's more frustration, is that he won't even give me a second chance, it's not even that, he doesnt even care what's going on in my life, last time I checked, to be friends, unless of course, it means what I know it means, means to ask how you're doing once in a while. The other "lets just be friends" is really just a blow off, because he thought that it was a mutual decision, no, this was never a mutual decision, I just needed sometime to get my head straight! I've head PLENTY OF TIME to get my head straight... five and a half months have gone by and everyday, I know more and more, what it is that I want from life, and part of that is to have him there. I was an idiot, because I threw away a perfectly good person... Rachael says that if he loved me as much as he said he did, he would've taken me back when I realized how much of an idiot I was being, but because he hasn't, that he never loved me as much as he said he did. I dont know what to believe all I know is that I feel as if things would be so totally different, in a good way, if I could just get him to listen to me for about five minutes.
it's pointless though, because no matter how hard I try, or what I do, it's all up to him in the end. How that's fair, is beyond me, but in the end, I guess I'll end up where I'm supposed to.
le sigh.
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