It's Been A While...

Most of my venting has been happening via Twitter and Facebook... but I thought I would give the ol' blog a visit, for old time's sake.

I always say nothing is new... and for the most part, it's true. I don't like the spotlight on me, that is definitely true. But, I'll take a moment to recap a few things I may have not brought up during my coffee and lunch dates.

I started my new job back in October 2010, soon my health benefits kicked in after a few short weeks, I got my act together, as being an adult requires, and I made a dentist's appointment first of the year...well that went well, then I remember I needed to make an appointment for that physical I couldn't have earlier in the year due to less than stellar health insurance I was getting at the bank and I had a $2,000 deductible which at that point was 1/7th of my salary at the bank, yeah no wonder the rest of this country has health problems, under paid, and over charged...Ahem. I made an appointment for a routine woman appointment... we covered some basics: Insomnia, Anxiety, Depression. We did the standard test. it came back positive for abnormal strain of HPV....faaacckk... are you kidding me? I freaked out, they suggested I follow up with another test... I avoid.

A few months later, around August... I finally reschedule but since I waited long enough, we do routine test again...comes back positive yet again. Great, just great. I am not dealing with this... I'm 25... no, it's not like it's cancer, but it's the kind of thing that would turn into something life-threatening... it makes you think twice. I once again, get the results the same day my mom flies out to Texas after visiting for 2 weeks...so not only am I back to adjusting to life without Mom around, I'm back to internalizing. Mom always made the hard news easier to take or accept. I had put rescheduling on the back burner because I was busy catching up on all the work I hadn't touched since I was off of work on and off in September due to Mom's visit.

Alright, so I started running, in preparation for the 10k I am registered to participate in at the end of October. Well, I went on a run tonight and after 10 minutes in I got the worst cramps in the world, just like I was about to get my period except that was 2 weeks ago. I had to cut my run short because I had not a frickin' clue what was going on. I wasn't sure if I was gonna have to call up one of my FAAT mom's ask them to cart me over to the ER or what. I got home, and it was a challenge to get up the stairs, not something I really want to experience again, so it was enough motivation to make sure I call first thing in the morning and schedule another doctor's appointment. I did some side research to see what the crap it was exactly, and it seems common in women who could possibly have endometriosis. My sister has that, and I was told it's only passed down through the Mother's side, we have different Mom's but there is a total possibility with my kind of luck that this would happen to me as well. If true, my sister Keira would be the only girl in the family to have her own biological kids, Dawne and Bianca, have both adopted.

I don't know what it is, but I like to avoid reality. As, honest, and real as I come off to others...I like to hide. I like to close myself off from the big bad world. I like to pretend that if I don't see it, and I don't feel it. It (whatever it is) can't be really real. I learned what that big bad world was really like at a very young age. My innocence was taken from me when I was probably 6 or 7. I know that it is not an excuse to hide from the world going forward, but it does explain why I do what I do. I will still face this problem or issue head on and I will take what happens and deal with it accordingly. I will move forward and say "okay, well that's done, now what"...and cue the next set of obstacles and challenges. It just doesn't change how I feel internally. I am a walking contradiction except I totally hold myself accountable by what I preach... no wonder I am in therapy again.

On a lighter note: I created a proposal at work and it's been passed on to the higher ups for review. I am now in the hurry up and wait stage. I hope it's approved for the simple fact that it is a necessary course of action. I am just hoping that everyone else views it as that and that I am granted the go ahead.

In short: life has been pretty tolerable. No one close to me has died *knock on wood*, I have a job with a great company. I am looking forward to actually starting to take some language classes hopefully, I've left French for the back burner and I hope to start on Arabic or Mandarin. I had one of those eye opening experiences when I had to translate last week, makes me want to volunteer using my Spanish to help others. My relationship with God has been up and down. I haven't been to church on a regular basis this year. I went when my Mom was here. I went when I flew out back in June to California. I just haven't had the energy to go. I moved closer to the church, about 5 minutes away and I've had less energy to go. I don't claim to understand that logic one bit. My therapist says it's normal for people my age to fall out of the church going routine. I believe it. I feel like maybe when I find a boyfriend, I'll start going again. It's not anything that really had to do with having a boyfriend, I guess maybe there is some kind of regularity or familiarity to having a significant other that makes you want to do things.

I will admit that since I've gone back to therapist on a weekly basis, I have made a shit ton of progress. I am most definitely more understanding of myself. I have shifted perspective in a way that puts myself first without making me feel guilty. I realized a little while ago, that there are people in this world that will not hesitate to say no and to do what is best for them and are not questioned and that there are people in this world that never say no and always show up to whatever is asked of them but if they were to say no, all hell would break loose and people would be madder than hell. I am the latter. I fall into that category. I mostly understand that because I can have the passive nature that just puts up with and deals with whatever is going on so it does not inconvenience others. I have slowly started making myself more of a priority because at the end of the day I have to deal with myself, no one else. I am in charge of my happiness. I have this posted on my desk. I am one of those people who has to be reminded a bazillion times for any progress of it to be accepted. I have to make sure I remind myself... because guess what I can't rely on anyone else. I'm not cynical. I'm just honest. I know that I have to take care of myself because I know my friends have good intentions, they are not going to be the ones who have to live with my decisions every day. They just have to live with the results of the decisions I make.

There have been times where I have been selfish in the last few months, and I have listened to my gut, and my gut was okay with what I did...I take that as a sign that says I am learning to listen to my inner voice and I understand that hey, you are important...when I talk to the girl in the mirror. I'm a work in progress...but I'm on the downhill portion of the course. As far as "love" is concerned...well there isn't any real concern. I get bent out of shape every now and again, people get engaged that I know and I am truly happy for them but in the back of my mind, I'm filled with "when the hell is it gonna be me?" I more or less have to overcome the feeling of being left behind. I know that when it is right, the right guy will waltz into my life or decide to show up...whatever it is. I know that I would rather wait until I know a little bit more about what I want out of life and "risk" getting married at 30 instead of 25, if that meant that I would reduce my likelihood of getting a divorce. I don't plan on it, but it's such a real possibility...people who are married for 30 years get divorced...I don't want to do that. I want to grow up, grow old, and still be with the one I love when I'm 80. I know that I will not really know it's the guy for me unless it feels right. I felt that once before I could have married the guy I was with...and now I have an idea for how it should feel, I'm just hoping that I don't run when that feeling hits me again.

I definitely went on a lot longer than I intended but I hope that it gets you, the reader, up to speed.