Hmmm...

I had one of those dreams that you're still in when you wake up and you look at your alarm clock, and you're completely out of it. I was mumbling something about not being able to go to sleep because it wasn't allowed when I woke up. I dont know.

Today's weather is rather dreary. I was much enjoying the sunshine. I think that if I could, I'd have buttons in my house that decided it was 80, sunny, and breezy, oh and could make the beach appear outside of my house... yeah, I think that would be pretty rad. I want to live in the countryside or on the beach. I want to live close enough to the city, but I dont want to be in a suburb. I like the small town feeling. I like horses, and I want to drink wine on my deck and watch the sun go down. I would also like to have a Spanish style house which the arches, and the clay shingles, and the large open rooms. I want a big family. I want to teach my kids spanish and some other foriegn language probably French or Mandarin... French I want to learn because I consider that to be fun language, and Mandarin because that's useful. I want to live in London, England, and I want to become a writer. I want to be witty and thoughtful and put everything I know into words on paper but I dont want to be dry like a lot of stuff I read. I'm not dry, I know that for sure. I have a conversationalistic style of writing. It makes it easier on you, the reader, to read my rambling.

I want to have a huge wedding. I have a big family. I want to get married in St. James. I would like to go to Greece, Italy, Austrailia, or the Carribean for my honeymoon though quite frankly if I would be happy visitng anywhere in the world.

I want to go visit the house my great grandfather build completely from parts he ordered from the Sears-Roebuck Catalog in the early 1900's. Ew, how old does that sound?

But, on to a more serious note, I feel that this is due. And, I'm not pointing fingers, I'm simply saying something, so please dont assume this is all about YOU or YOU or YOU. It is not.

I am a caring person. So much so, that when I deviate from that nature, my friends do not know how to respond to it. I am the rock to my friends. I am there, I am loyal, I am always there to support someone when they feel like they cant, but they can, I just make them feel like they're being held up, but all the same I am there. I am a strong person. I always have been and I feel like through everything I been through so far in life, I have become that much stronger.

I got wrapped up in myself this semester. Self-absorbtion is not good for me. at all. I like to help others and when I stop doing that it's like I lose some of my happy go lucky nature. I've realized all of this with the help of Rachael of course. She tends to put it the way I'll accept. I guess she just knows me well enough by now. But, I'll get on the to the other part of my rant.

I had a bad semester. I had a really bad semester. I made some really bad choices, and I was not really all there, so to speak. When I needed help, and it wasn't convienent for eveyrone else to help me or listen to me, it was suddenly Mara isn't being a good friend to me. Here is where I have the issue with always being giving and nice, etc. I do it, and that's my nature. HOWEVER, I have to be selfish for me at some points so I can keep myself in check. I am a stubborn person, I'm about as stubborn as it gets. I always come to the obvious answer regardless if it's what I want or what I tried to avoid, I always end up to where some friends predict I will end up. I'm really semi-disappointed that when I have a bad day, week, or month, or stretch, that I'm left. That i'm the one who gets left behind and I'm not allowed to be pitied. Now, I know I do not do with pity, I dont like to be pitied/babied, and told 'oooh, well hunny, it's okay'... blah blah blah. Whatever I dont like to be coddled, there we go that's the word. And, I dont really coddle my friends either, I'm there, I listen, but I dont coddle.

More recently, I was left with a rather simple decision. ::walk away:: and I did. I dont regret doing so. I am happy for the memories, and I am happy for everything that has happened, and I will be eternally greatful, and I will probably tell my kids stories about the dumb things and random moments. But it made me think twice about the important people in life. They will get mad at you and be okay after a while. The people who care, and who mean will be there when the dust clears. I'm that person, I am there when the dust clears.

So in conclusion to this long winded RANDOMLY thrown together rant. I want to say that I am always here. I might seem busy but if you call me and you tell me you need me I will do whatever it is you need from me. I sometimes forget to ask about what's going on but it doesnt mean I DONT care because I DO. I will be that person who notices when you're off, I will notice when you aren't there, and I will notice when you are. I'm quite the observent one dispite my normal oblivious nature. :)

Off to do class and homework!