So... I start today off with yesterday I went to my therapist's for the first time in over a year. I have proper health insurance now so I can afford to go(such a flippin' relief)! I had a great session, I covered alot, well vented alot. I had to cram a year's worth of events into 45 minutes...tough. It will be easier as I go on a regular basis. I'm going every two weeks, every week would interfere with my work schedule.
So... I dont talk to Gabe, except for the sporadic 'hate' text I might send him, in my frustrations of him just not talking to me because that translates as he just doesnt care, and then i get all bent out of shape which is stupid because I shouldn't care. So.. in the process of recounting all of my events in the past year, I explained about the break up and how Gabe had asked me just to give him space for two weeks. I have yet to do that. I just have this fear that if I dont talk to him, that he wont be there. It's some weird trust thing. Anyway, that's my challenge. I have to not text or anything with/to him for two weeks. I'm fine for a week but I just can never seem to just not talk to him for two weeks straight. Fine, I'll be fine til next wednesday then I'm sure i'll fail... but we'll see. It just takes discipline, blah blah blah. I dont know what I am supposed to get out of being quiet. I think I understand what she was saying, because naturally I wouldnt like it if I had that happen to me, I mean she really made put on the other person's shoes and stand it ... so uncomfortable but isnt that what therapy is for? In the whole mess of this, I saw Gabe right as I was on my way to Martinsburg... OF ALL PEOPLE.. I really was a mess driving the rest of the way. I just couldn't quite understand why it is that I would have to see him. I mean I'm already going to therapy because of him, well sorta, I mean if anything I'm going because I'd just like to not care about him as much as I do, or just to heal this stupid heartbreak, Donna (therapist) says it's normal to have this way, and to still feel this way, that was a sigh of relief, so I'm not crazy for still being torn up over my ex-boyfriend, awesome.
We covered some other things, like life goals. I was not in a place this time last year to have any idea, goal, or make a decision. I just wasnt. I have however come 180 and can now decide, and have decided on a alot of this 'adult' stuff that happens in life. I am taking care of me, I have been taking care of me. Initially I had to take care of myself because I was forced to not because I wanted to. I believed or said it was what I wanted but I didnt really believe that. If anything positive has come out of knowing Chris, (yes, I meant him), it was that I know alot about what I want from life because of the decisions I made based on knowing him. stay with me, I mean I know that between Chris and Gabe, I would choose Gabe. I would choose Gabe because he is the closest I have ever come to finding all the things I like in a guy, in him. I wouldn't have found that though if I hadn't first gotten knocked around by Chris (emotionally speaking duh.) to sum it up "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.".
So.. here's to 13 days left of not lashing out in drunk texts or angry hate texts. Here's to me trying to understand what it is that's in front me. Here's to letting go of any left over pain or fear I may be holding on to. I am so close to loving all of me :)
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