It's A Beautiful Day.

It takes two to speak the truth,--one to speak, and another to hear. - Henry David Thoreau

I'm really kinda over all the reminders. The other day a girl had a license that expired on 4-16. My pager number at Panera was 16. The homily Fr. Brian gave for Mass on Easter Sunday was really good. I realized the Feast Day of St. Nicholas is December 6th...which is celebrated in Hungary. I could go on and on about some of the things that happen that keep me from moving on, more or less, but I think the biggest part of the whole thing is that I just dont want to, not yet. Ah, I know I can't control what happens in life, no matter how hard I do try. I can pray or I can choose to ignore whatever happens but in the end, everything happens for a reason.

I am struggling to understand why it is that I am having this withdraw-like symptoms. I guess in the end I just wish to talk to him, and I wish there wasn't any pressure, and I wish I wasn't scared. I mean I just get so nervous that I'm going to say the wrong thing and then I do, and then I'm not myself and I get all flustered. I've never really been like this before. I mean the last time I went through this, I wasn't even myself. I have found a repeating pattern in all of it, I learn. I learn all of the things I did wrong and I try to apply that to whatever future relationship I have. For the first time in my life, I'm totally appalled by the idea of just having a crush on a guy. I know that might not make sense, but it's more like I'm just okay with being single. Now, dont get me wrong, I would like to date my ex again, yeah, and I really wish I would meet him for the first time in a few weeks. Last year, was bad timing, I finally got my shit together. I'm living life everyday the way I'd like to or want to. I guess I'll wake up one day and not think about him, but I really dont want that to happen. If anything I just loved him too much or not enough and at all the wrong times. It's all about timing. I know I was supposed to learn from him and I did. I learned alot. I just wish that I could have my turn to teach him. However in the end, as usual, it's all up to God.