Death is a Funny Thing

So rock me mama like a wagon wheel
Rock me mama anyway you feel
Hey mama rock me
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me
Runnin' from the cold up in New England
I was born to be a fiddler in an old-time string band
My baby plays the guitar
I pick a banjo now

Oh, the North country winters keep a gettin' me now
Lost my money playin' poker so I had to up and leave
But I ain't a turnin' back
To livin' that old life no more

I went to a funeral today for a kid I went to school with and rode the bus with from elementary to high school. He was one of the most obnoxious kids I ever knew, but he was a good kid at heart. His death, however tragic it is, has inspired me, someone who didnt know him personally, to really step up this life of mine. Its funny how life really works. 9 days ago, I started praying a Novena, a special prayer prayed by Catholics for when life just doesnt seem to be going to way you planned. 9 days ago, I didnt think twice about this kid, 9 days ago, I had my own agenda for what I wanted but in that time, I have realized some very important things. God will surprise you when you least expect it and with what you least expect. I am very much at peace with a few major thorns that were in my side. I still miss my ex very much but I'm at a different place with that all together. I realized that I had to stop blaming my Dad for everything and start actually living for me, and take my own responsibility for life and the decisions I made. I also realized that I was acting like a parent who all their kids want is their attention and that's the only thing they wont give their child. For 5 years I have been this way, this selfish way, the non-giving me. I realized after a very heavy and honest conversation with the Deacon that I have just pushed everyone away that cared and chased everyone who didn't. I can't make up for the last five years but I can sure start trying to be way different, or the same as I was when I was 17 pre-death of Dad.

I have realized that I have a lot of people who care about me, and I really am special. I am genuine and nice, I am the real thing, so to speak. I had an ex boyfriend call me and apologize for being a jerk 4 years ago last week, I was totally confused but I understood that in the end it was like a gift God was giving me, that I am truly worth a sincere apology if nothing else. I am sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you, the reader, I haven't been myself, but I am back.

I will give without restraint, and I will love like I never loved before, completely and wholly and truly. I heard today during the eulogy that "the pain we feel when we lose a loved one measures the love of what we felt for them". I understand the pain I've had for the last six years, I underestimated how much I loved my Dad but in the end, I understand that love conquers all and that love creates more love.

I will still pray every night that I can have a second chance to date you again, but until then I will thank my lucky stars that I ever met you. You have opened up my eyes in ways I couldn't have thought possible, and we're not together, I can only imagine what my life would be like if we were together. I am truly sorry for the selfish things I did and said. I am sorry for not being my true, happy self. I am thankful that you have been there for me, even though it wasn't always the way I wanted. I loved you pretty much the moment I met you, and I will always love you. Always.

Thank You, Corbyn, for inspiring me to live a better life, and to be a better person. I know I only knew you from going to school together but our lives crossed paths for a reason, and for that I am glad. Everything happens for a reason, you just have to trust that God knows what He's doing.

"Fall in love. Stay in love. And it will decide everything" - Pedro Arrupe