I went back to school because I thought that would provide some kind of monotonous comfort meanwhile I get my affairs in order. I sound mostly morbid, possibly to an extent that is allowed. I dont know what to do with my life. The great graduation of college came and went and I was was faced with getting a job. I guess there was a mix of disappointment with lack of motivation. I guess I could sprinkle confusion and doubt in there as well. I went back to school to study...ART. I enjoy my classes. I would like to write and illustrate a book using old school printmaking which is surely not how they make books, mostly picture books...everything is so digitalized nowadays. I feel a sense of peace and belonging when I'm in the studio or dark room working alone. It's a great feeling.
I should've known this year was going to be a rough one judging by how New Year's Eve/Day was probably the worst I'd had in a few years. The last rough New Year's I had was right before my dad died. This year has been chalk full of decisions, heartbreak (on both ends), careers, etc... I mean I just didnt' know what I wanted at the beginning of the year, and now it's almost the end of the year, which time is FLYING by, and I am probably only a whole ten steps closer to where I'd actually like to be or think I should be.
I lost a few friends along this way. I feel like it had to happen even though I didnt want it to. I mean I particularly found one of a closer friend earlier this year...to just be rough. It was ugly, I felt like it was a divorce almost. I mean breaking up is hard to doooooo. She and I were two peas in a pod, of course it was going to hurt. I feel like maybe I could've changed and I could've done something different but in the end the result was going to be the same: soulmates no more. C'est le vie.
I've been dating this nice guy for five months. He's wonderfully sweet, that a girl like me is just so not used to. I'm enjoying him, and everything he's got to offer, but part of me looks, yearns for more. I'm not sure if it's because my travel bug has not been satisfied that this is a side effect, not just in my relationships, but in my everyday life. I want to live in Spain and possibily close to the beach. I would like to drink coffee and drink win and stay up til 6am and dance til the break of dawn and laugh at absolutely absurd things that I did the night before. I want to see the Greek Isles, I want to taste the foods of Italy, I want to see the leaning tower of Pisa, I want to visit the old churches of Russia. So many things, and yet the feeling of doubt courses through my viens as if it never has before. My travel bug yearns to be free and to explore and to be rid of this anchor of routine. I can only say that in losing myself I feel I will be found.
I'm now the station manager for WSHC 89.7FM. I'm pretty excited I'm getting paid for doing work there. Its a rewarding feeling. If I plan to keep being paid, I have to atleast take one class...we shall see come advisement. I have this terrible horrible no good job at David's Bridal... it's hell on earth. I'll leave it at that. I'm searching for new jobs. I have a new theory... I get transferred to a different bath and body works for the holiday and just work like 30 hours a week instead of getting a second job in addition to b&b. I am applying to J. Crew & Banana Republic later this week. I've applied to Calvin Klein, the manager said she'd call in a few weeks. Fingers crossed SOMETHING comes up. I'm desperate. God, if you're reading this, can you please pull a string or two? THANKS! :).
Lastly, I'm leading youth group with a few other young adults of the church. I'm excited to be starting this again with some good energy behind it.
Alas, I've written enough for now. I feel better.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird.
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