I love to travel. It comes second nature behind breathing. I have realized though I have become a little bit of a "scare-dy cat" though. Maybe I'm just super stressed out that I can't even get travel to unwind me. Today I was watching these kids in the park play and they are so happy and carefree. The mom's are so cute with them. I saw a million bajillion little korean babies walking around. I got alot of stares too. No wonder why everyone says jokingly to bring back a baby.
Part of me yearns for childhoold simplicity and happiness, the road I'm on, is a winding one that I'm not sure is leading me to where I want to be. I want to be whole and complete but I can't help but say that I am missing something. And, what's more is that I feel like it's something very obvious.
Like always, when I am abroad I do my best thinking. I have decided that I want to get back into my days of ju-jitsu, I need excersize and an outlet. Music has wiggled its way back into my life via Radio which doesnt surprise me at all. I was half-expecting music to come back to me. Writing came back a year ago, it all just comes back, the natural simplicities. Life is nuts that way.
I've been a disappointment to a lot, but mostly just to myself. I say I'll do something and more often than not I do not follow through. I've been failing myself constantly and it's just not something I want to be. I'm graduating in two months. I have to get my act together, I'm a full-fledged adult, I'll be 23 in July. Ew... old. haha. I remember visiting my sister when I was 16 and she was 26 and thinking holy cow that's old. ( I love you B, if you're reading this! :})
I'm also thinking I'm like getting ill with something. I have no appetite and my feet and toes go numb randomly... it's most likely nothing but I feel that it's more like a sign to get up and do something, to change my life, because I'm only getting older and I"m only getting a day closer to my death bed...how morbid.
Life is also full of doors, opening and closing. I would like to keep every door open if I could. I know that that isn't always possible. I am not wonder woman, I can't keep everything in order. I dont know if that makes any sense? I dont know who is even reading this? I probably have some really creepy 45 year old guy reading this with my luck! I hope you're enjoying the words I string together, whoever you are that reads this.
I want to play with penguins in Antarctica. I want to write a book. And, I think life is just plain nuts [right now]. I am okay with life, I feel like I've hit a rough patch, and the sun's gone away for a little bit, regardless I know I'll be okay and I'll bounce back soon enough.
I started reading today, and now some things are starting to make sense to me by doing so. BTW- I'm not 45, but way over the really old 26 ;)
ReplyDeleteYou have had a lot of change this year, and it seems to be layering. Your reaction is normal and I think you have handled it quite well. I also realize you think/know if you were at the top of your game you could be really kicking ass. It's okay that you're not, what is awesome is how much you have been able to juggle and survive.
The other nice thing is as much change that has gone on in your life you have maintained your core. You are a bright, caring, intelligent, kind soul. That's why I like you and that's why I know you will be fine.
You should email me your schedule. I will look at your free time spots (I know they are limited) and come steal you. It will be fun, I promise.