Five Long Months

August:

I took off a week and went to the beach with Chris in the beginning of the month. It was a lot fun, and relaxing. The few weeks leading up to the beach had been pretty chaotic and stressful. I had been more and more uptight and just snapping at everything. Regardless of who did what, I took all my frustrations out on Chris. He didnt deserve it. He never deserved it. He tried to make me feel better but I was far away from reality, and so consumed, that I didnt listen when he said he was sorry or when he wanted to do something nice but I never let him. Nothing was right, and nothing he or anyone else said at the point really would have made a dent in my nuerotic anger. The month progressed and I started school. I was starting to feel my stress get more crazy intense if that was possible. I was at my wits end with my job at the Bank, 18 credit hours, and trying to balance my life. I couldn't do it, not then anyway. Then, about a week in, Chris started hanging out with Jessika again which I did not like at all. I did not trust her for even a split second. He argued that I didnt trust him, which wasn't totally true, I didnt trust her at all. She's lied too much for me and she just wasn't good, but Chris told me to deal with it, so I did. I sucked it up and I was nice to her because he wanted me to be. Life still only seemed to get harder and more stressful for me.

September:

Chris and I broke up Labor Day weekend. I didnt want to break up with him. But, I had hit a point where I knew I pushed him one too many times with losing my temper. It was supposed to be a break, we were supposed to get back together. But, then we had a miscommunication, no surprise there, and he decided that he didn't want to get back together with me again...ever. Well, I took that really hard. It was my breaking point. I had turned in my two weeks notice and I was reducing my work load and I was dropping a class but none of this mattered because I wouldn't get back together with Chris. I hit my breaking point. And, it sucked. He and I went from being together to not even speaking, even as friends. I didnt know what I was going to do. I couldn't be his friend anymore because it was like I had to watch some other chick, probably jessika, be happy with and at that point I couldnt do it. I was also so stressed that I threw up for three weeks straight everything that I ate. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I was a classic wreck. I felt like I had part of me ripped from my chest and I wasn't whole anymore. My thought pattern was limited to hopeless and sad. I was depressed again, but so much deeper than I had been earlier this year. I didnt want to be like that, I didnt want Chris to be gone. Everything was all wrong. So I decided that I would go about two weeks without talking to him and that after that I could have an idea of whether I should talk to him or what I was going to do with him, how I was going to keep him in my life.

I decided to pledge a sorority of all things and I found that I was surrounded by a lot positive energy. It helped. I slowed down alot. I went to the bookstore with another one of my guy friends and I ended up picking up a book I had recommended to me. It was on Adult Children of Alcoholics. I read that book and felt like my life readjusted itself to right side up and I was going to be ok afterall. The book seemed like it was written for me and I just felt like I could breathe easier. I finished the book in about two days. Which then, I texted Chris telling him I wanted him in my life, and it was going to take time but I was going to be ok. Well then he came over to watch Grey's like usual and we fell into a good pattern, slowly we started talking and being more comfortable around each other. I had rearranged my goals and priorities and I was happier now that I had a plan and I could invision myself doing things after graduation which is in May.

October:

October was an interestingly quiet month. I was busy with many things, I got my internship with the Shepherdstown Chronicle so I was one step closer to Graduation. Chris and I started hanging out alot more and everything seemed to be going really smoothly. It had been a few weeks since the night that I last yelled at him and I hadn't lost my temper since. I was pretty proud of myself. I still had a lot of progress to make. I was continuing with my sorority events. I also made some time for myself since I wasn't working anymore, I got to relax a lot. Winks Cup was at the end of the month, it came and went. It was a really good time.

November:
Chris had decided that he was going to take a job teaching English in South Korea. I was left wrestling with some unexpected abandoment issues. By this point, he and I had hung out often and just did whatever. I was still busy with school but it was winding down. I spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. It was a really nice, I had a good time. I had started picking up a few hours here and there at Bath and Body for the holidays. I babysat a few times and then I mostly relaxed the rest of the time. I was initiated now in Delta Zeta so that was over and done with as far as pledge time went.

December:
It came time for Chris to leave and I was over him being gone, it wasn't going to change anything if I was sad so I moved on and dried up.